Report: Soccer Player Who Just Fell Over Not a Total Pussy, Just Fixing a Match

Report: Soccer Player Who Just Fell Over Not a Total Pussy, Just Fixing a Match – Image 1
According to several reports, the soccer player in the match you're watching who just fell to the ground and began writhing in pain despite not being touched by anyone may, in fact, not be the biggest pussy in the entire world. It could be that he is involved in match fixing – a practice that is now known to be prevalent throughout international soccer.

FIFA president Sepp Blatter met the news with great excitement.

"Finally, after all these years, a possible explanation for why these grown men, these strong professional athletes, flop and fall all over the place like delicate little flowers in a tornado," said Blatter. "While it might be nice if the sport of football did not have instances of fixed matches, I — and all football fans — greatly prefer that to watching a sport filled with what we assumed were pathetic, pussified floppers."

Portuguese star Cristiano Ronaldo says he is glad the truth is finally out there.

"For years I've had people calling me a pussy because I'm always falling down and pretending I'm hurt," said Ronaldo. "But in almost every instance, I fell down to prevent myself from scoring a goal in order to keep the score where it needed to be. I'm glad I don't have to hear people question my toughness anymore. As though I'd do that out on the pitch without a good reason. Come on. I respect the game too much to be a flopper. I'm a match fixer."

The revelation that soccer is not a sport for giant pusswads is expected to help the perception of the game among casual sports fans in the United States and continue to fuel its growth in popularity there. But Europol, the organization which uncovered match-fixing in the sport, says the good news for American soccer ends there.

"Unfortunately, we did not find that any U.S. matches were fixed," said a spokesman. "The U.S. men lose completely on the up-and-up. They're really trying hard to win, in fact, but still they lose. It's sad, really. Also, no MLS matches were fixed because even a single bet on an MLS match would have been seen as suspicious and flagged by the authorities."

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