Marlins Break Their Bat

Marlins Break Their Bat – Image 1
The Miami Marlins have cancelled all practices and games after the team's bat broke yesterday during a spring training exhibition against the Mets.

Miami's Giancarlo Stanton fouled off a pitch in on the hands in the fourth inning, shattering the bat and forcing the team to complete the game using just the handle. Following the game, the team decided it would cease all operations until they can get a new bat — or a used, but intact bat, as was the case with the team's previous model.

"All we can do right now is wait and hope for the best," said manager Mike Redmond. "I've put in a request to Mr. Loria for a new bat. We'll see what happens."

It's unlikely Redmond's request was met positively by Jeffrey Loria, the team owner. Wooden baseball bats, even used ones, cost in the tens of dollars. This fact is why Loria gave the team explicit instructions on the first day of spring training not to break the bat. "This is the only one you're getting all season," he reportedly told the team. "You need to learn how to respect property. Money doesn't grow on trees."

During that same address, Loria informed his players they would be getting paid this season in leaves.

"I hope Loria is so angry at me for breaking our bat that he trades me," said Stanton. "I've never wanted anything so much in my life."

Instead of buying the Marlins a new bat, Loria will reportedly direct his players to use their foreams for a bat. He will also tell them that bruises or broken bones will not be covered by the team's health insurance program, which is actually just a bowl of Garfield band-aids on Redmond's desk.