Second-year Ole Miss head coach Hugh Freeze says he is delighted by his impressive 2013 recruiting class but is also quite surprised so many top-level recruits chose to sign with the Rebels.
"One of the main jobs of a head coach at this level is to go into a recruit's living room, sit down with him and his parents, look them in the eyes and then proceed to just talk out of your ass," said Freeze. "Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, promise, promise, promise. All right from your ass. You just hope a few of them buy it and think that your school truly is the best fit for them academically and culturally and for football. But I never expected anything like this. I guess I was shoveling some primo bullshit this year."
Ole Miss inked so many top recruits, including the No. 1 ranked player in Robert Nkemdiche, that Freeze is worried he over-promised.
"Hell, I don't remember what I told these kids," said the coach. "You just pull whatever you can out of your ass at the time and fling it at the wall and hope it sticks. I don't have a clue what I said. For all I know, they're all going to show up and be like: 'What the hell, man? You said there was a water park in the middle of campus? And where are all the bikini model professors? I haven't seen one.' I might be screwed."
With that in mind, Freese has contacted Mississippi governor Phil Bryant and requested aid.
"Coach Freese stressed that Ole Miss keeping these recruits and winning football games would be huge for the state of Mississippi," said the governor. "And I happen to agree. Therefore, I am making arrangements that the entire state be covered in a fresh coat of paint before the recruits arrive so it doesn't look like such a shithole."
Most recruiting experts think that Ole Miss' recruits will end up staying and being happy with their decision.
"Sure, it seems curious for someone to pick a school that regularly finishes close to last in its own division," said recruiting expert Jeff Tillery. "But I don't think Ole Miss has to worry its Mississippiness will hinder it. It's not like places like Alabama are alluring, exotic locations and they seem to do just fine every year."
Nkemdiche hopes to visit his new school next weekend.
"I'm really looking forward to flying from class to class using the jet packs that Ole Miss provides all students for free that Coach Freeze told me about," he said. "And how every dorm room has a flatscreen and 400 Xbox games and pizzas are dropped off outside your door every hour on the hour? What a great place. I can't believe any recruit would not pick Ole Miss."