Ohio State's Urban Meyer told a story about Woody Hayes over the weekend at an Ohio coaching convention. According to Meyer, in 1986 a retired Hayes attempted to teach Ohio State coaches about toughness by having a turtle bite his penis. Yes. Really. Click HERE for the details.
SportsPickle was able to land an exclusive interview with the turtle.
Let's just get the main question out of the way at the top: Did you bite former Ohio State head football coach Woody Hayes in the penis?
How did you wind up biting a famous coach in the penis before a room full of Ohio State coaches?
My family lived next door to Woody's house. My owner, Kevin, was playing with me out on the porch one day and Woody asked if he could borrow me for something he was doing for work. A couple hours later, I've got my jaws chomped down on his dick.
Why? So he asked you to do that to drive home his point?
Where to start. I was born in Michigan. I'm a Michigan turtle. But around 1984, Kevin's dad got transferred from Ann Arbor to a job down in Columbus. Fine. I'm a turtle. As long as I still get to see the Michigan games on TV from my tank I'm cool living wherever. I had no idea goddam Woody Hayes of all people lived next door to our new house. Next thing I know, I'm getting scooped up and driven somewhere in a dark box. Then the box opens and Woody Hayes and Woody Hayes' penis are staring right at me. I had no idea what he was planning to do, but it didn't really seem like there were a lot of positive outcomes in this situation for me, you know? I basically had two options: attack or run. And turtles aren't the best at running. So I bit his penis with everything I had and just hung on.
What kind of turtle are you?
I'm not a monster, if that's what you mean. I did what any turtle would do in that situation. Especially a Michigan turtle.
No, I just mean: What kind of turtle are you? Like a snapper or a –
Oh oh. Box. I'm a box turtle.
What was Coach Hayes' reaction to you biting him in the penis?
He turned bright red and tried not to scream and made up some story about how he's so tough because he let a turtle bite him in the penis.
What do you think he was really planning to do with you? Why did he have his penis out in the first place?
I have absolutely no idea. He was old and crazy. Remember, this is the nut job who punched a player on another team, a college kid. Only the incident with me happened eight years after that. So Hayes had eight more years of crazy on him. He was senile old man with his penis out and a turtle. What's the mystery? He was crazy.
What happened after he poked you in the eye to get you to unclench?
I think he was stunned and terrified. No way he expected me to do that — and let me tell you, I got him good. I was latched right onto the head and was really grinding my jaws the whole time. But after he got me to let go, he pulled up his pants, put me back in the box and drove me right back to my house. I was so tempted to say something to him, like: 'That's what you get for sticking your penis in a turtle's face!' But I thought he might really freak out and crash the car or something if he got talked to by a turtle. I just wanted to get home safe at that point.
Did you have any interactions with Coach Hayes again?
Nope. He died a few months later, actually. They pinned it on a heart attack. But I'm convinced it was from a penis infection. Turtle mouths are filthy.
Since the incident in 1986, have you bitten any other coaches in the penis?
I have not. And I have not been in a similar situation either. That was kind of a once-in-a-turtle's-life type thing, you know? There were plenty of times I would have happily bit Lloyd Carr or RichRod in the dick, though, I'll tell you that.
Well, I appreciate you taking the time to talk.
How would you like to end the interview?
I guess just poke me in the eye.