#1 – Extremely expensive food
What's the best way to impress a date? Take her to an expensive restaurant, of course!
But even the most expensive 5-star restaurant in town doesn't charge $6 for soda or $5 for water. This concession stand does, though — so it must be the best restaurant in town! Your date will no doubt be impressed by your big-spending ways and your ways in the art of love.
#2 – Fine clothing
The finest establishments require patrons to wear expensive clothing. See that guy over there in that jersey? And that guy there? And her over there? And me? These are authentic jerseys. They cost $250. That's right, baby — 250. Just for a shirt. We're practically at a Milan fashion show here.
#3 – Dancing
Fancy clothing. Expensive dinner. Now it's time to dance … because they're playing Gangnam Style during the timeout! WOOOOOOOOO! Heyyyyyyyyy … sex-y la-dy!
#4 – Gifts
You can really melt your lucky lady's heart with a thoughtful gift. Luckily, by taking her to a sporting event, you don't have to think of the gift or choose between diamond earrings or a fine scarf — she'll get something free just by walking in the door. I hope you love that Baltimore Orioles schedule magnet, baby.
#5 – Spontaneous romance and sexuality
There is nothing more romantic than the atmosphere at a professional sporting event. Let the gyrating hips of the cheerleaders set the mood. Stoke the flames by viewing a player triumphantly grab his junk after making a big play. Let it grow even more with the subtle innuendo of huge t-shirt canons shooting white projectiles at people's faces and chests. And then watch your passions explode when the Kiss Cam falls on you and your love. What girl hasn't dreamed of playing tonsil hockey in front of 9,000 people at a Lightning-Coyotes hockey game? Now you've given her that dream. You are her knight in shining armor, if a shiny $250 alternate jersey counts as armor.
#6 – Whispering of sweet nothings
Stumped for things to say to your lovely lady during the game? Just lean over and talk about the "intangibles," and "heart" and "grit" of your favorite players. Those words are the sweetest nothings of all! They mean nothing. Or everything. Just like "love."
#7 – A moonlit walk … and some alone time
The game is over. The night is getting late. Now is the time for a romantic walk hand-in-hand through the parking lot to your car. The whole night — the expensive food, the dancing, the romance of the Kiss Cam — has been building to this: "Looks like traffic isn't going to clear up for a while. Want to make out in my car?" As long as you haven't eaten too many garlic fries, your chances are at least 30-70.
You are Sports Fan Casanova.