10 Pope Candidates from the Sports World

10 Pope Candidates from the Sports World – Image 1

1. Jon Gruden

Pro: When any big job opens up, Gruden's name is mentioned. He would definitely bring enthusiasm to the position.

Con: The job might be too much for him. Gruden would no doubt stay up all night watching film of people sinning, trying to come up with game plans to help them overcome it. With more than 7 billion sinners in the world, the quantity of sin tape would be overwhelming. The papacy might burn him out fast.

2. Tim Tebow

Pro: Tebow is one of the world's best known Christians and could soon be forced to look for a new line of work.

Con: Tebow is not Catholic. He is an evangelical Christian. Big difference. However, Tebow might be willing to convert if he is promised to be No. 1 on the Catholic depth chart at the faith's most important position.

3. Todd Graham

Pro: The Arizona State head football coach is always looking for a new and better job and will no doubt at least have his agent acquire about the position. Pope is no doubt a "dream job."

Con: Todd Graham has a black, rotten soul. God probably doesn't want Todd Graham to be his top human pal.

4. Lionel Messi

Pro: The world's best soccer player is a devout Catholic. The Church has seen a dramatic decline in Europe in recent years. Making a football star the pope could get many football-mad Europeans interested in Catholicism again.

Con: Messi would no doubt have to miss many matches in order to do pope stuff. Being robbed of the sport's greatest player in his prime could turn many against the Church. Also, with Messi out of the way, Cristiano Ronaldo becomes the world's best player and no one wants that.

5. Ray Lewis

Pro: According to Ray Lewis, he and God are already extremely tight. He's basically God's instrument on earth now.

Con: Ray Lewis likes to dance before every game and after most tackles, wears face paint, routinely seeks out cameras and fake cries. Wearing a crown, silk clothing covered in gold lace and expensive jewelry might not be showy enough for him.

6. Manti Te'o

Pro: Te'o is one of the rare people in the world who already has experience being the face of a powerful Catholic institution. And after his performance in the BCS title game, he may be looking for a position outside of football.

Con: Te'o is Mormon, not Catholic. However, if the cardinals sent him some e-mails or Tweets they could easily convince him to believe … pretty much anything.

7. Gus Johnson

Pro: Want to make Mass more exciting? Have Gus Johnson scream Latin. PIE JESU DOMINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! DONA EIS REQUIEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMM.

Con: Nothing, not even God, is great enough to scream about all the time. Relax. An all-powerful, all-knowing, all-good being is outstanding, sure. But show some restraint. Have some dignity.

8. Billy Beane

Pro: He could make the Catholic Church an efficient instrument of good by evaluating priests and nuns using modern Popemetrics.

Con: Beane has never won a World Series title. Why should a rich, powerful organization like the Catholic Church go moneyball? Beane might be better suited to Lutherans or Methodists.

9. Phil Jackson

Pro: Jackson's Eastern religious sensibilities might open Catholicism's rigid dogma to millions around the world.

Con: Can Jackson have success without greatness around him? Who is the Catholic Church's current Jordan or Kobe? They don't have one. Mother Teresa has been gone for more than 15 years.

10. Nick Saban

Pro: Saban has accomplished all that he can at the collegiate level. It may be time for a new challenge and his determination and attention to detail would do the Catholic Church good. A good run as pope, one of the world's top jobs, would probably also make many forget his failings with the Dolphins.

Con: Saban is already seen as a holy and infallible being in the state of Alabama. He might see the papacy as a lateral move for a greatly reduced salary. Also, it's unlikely Saban would be able to see over the edge of St. Peter's Balcony to bless the crowds. Who needs that embarrassment.

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