Wayne Rooney Injury Devastates Your Craigslist Roommate

Wayne Rooney Injury Devastates Your Craigslist Roommate  – Image 1
Manchester United announced that star striker Wayne Rooney will sit out an additional two weeks to heal his knee injury, a devastating blow to the club and to your Craigslist roommate Greg.

"I just don't know how we're going to get through the Liverpool match without Rooney," said Greg, who you're not totally sure is from Ohio, but you are sure is from America. "Chicharito brings some spark to the table, but nobody can replace Wazza [Rooney's nickname]."

Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson made the announcement from the team's Old Trafford stadium to a group of reporters, who then relayed the tragic news to several soccer-oriented websites, one of which delivered it to Greg, a slightly older guy who you spoke to for seven minutes on one apartment visit and then decided to live with for an entire year.

"It's like how do we stay out in front of [Manchester] City and Chelsea without him?" said Greg, the stranger you share a bathroom with. "It's not like [goalkeeper David] De Gea's going to shut them out every match."

Greg, whose underwear you've taken out of a dryer and thrown into a hamper, went on to talk at length about Patrice Evra, the FA Cup, and other stuff that involves soccer, probably.

"The good news is that England's not making a run at Euro until next year," said Greg, as you try to figure out which quart of milk is his and which is yours. "And we're still seven points clear at the top of the [English Premier League standings] table."

Your apartment's table, piled with unopened mail addressed to "Gregory P. Simplak", has just enough space for you to set down your Golden Grahams and eat while Greg considers the "really important" lineup issues facing a Manchester United squad missing its best attacking player.

"I mean you have to lean on [Robin] van Persie, this is when he needs to earn that transfer fee we paid Arsenal," said the roommate whom you feel no obligation to check in with at all for days at a time. "Maybe even play [Paul] Scholes as a forward? I guess it's up to Fergie [Ferguson's nickname]."

"Oh and all the bills are in my name, so I'm gonna need you to write me a check for the Cablevision and utilities and stuff."

At press time Greg said he's DVR-ing some early morning Fox Soccer broadcasts to watch on Saturday night, because none of "your NFL stuff" is happening then, right?