The Lord Very Disillusioned by Ray Lewis Steroids Allegations

The Lord Very Disillusioned by Ray Lewis Steroids Allegations – Image 1
The Lord says He is very upset over a report in Sports Illustrated that Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis used deer antler spray, which contains an illegal performance enhancer, to recover from his torn triceps.

"It's a crisis of faith," said Lord. "You put all your faith in Ray Lewis only to get let down and humiliated like this. I honestly tend to be a little skeptical and cynical about humans. I mean, not one hasn't sinned so far. But I thought Ray Lewis was different. Guess I was wrong — and that's the first time I was ever wrong, which as you can probably imagine, is also disappointing."

The Lord says he now regrets all of the times He defended Lewis.

"We've had a lot of debates in the Three-In-One about Ray," said Lord. "They always say that Ray puts on the holy thing to help his image and cover up his guilt over his role in that double murder. They say he has never given a full accounting of what happened that night and why he fled the scene covered in blood and why he destroyed the clothing he was wearing. They say a great man and great leader wouldn't have six kids by four different women. They say that instead of being humble as We instruct, he craves the spotlight. But I always insisted Ray was legit. That he had found the path. Now this. Done in by deer antlers, of all things. I knew We never should have created deer. They look stupid. What's the point of the antlers?"

The Lord says Lewis has been in touch with Him via prayer since the allegations have surfaced and denies all wrongdoing.

"I'm not buying it," said Lord. "He forgets I can be all-knowing when I want to go there. He did it. He cheated. He's a cheater. I'd probably be considering a good, old-fashioned smiting if I wasn't so depressed. I just want to lay around on a cloud all day, creating ice cream and eating it."

The linebacker also told Lord that "if I did do anything, it was only so I could get back on the field to give you all the glory," and promised to do a dance for Lord on the field before the Super Bowl.

"Not interested," said Lord. "Ray needs to realize that sometimes thrusting his hips towards heaven in My honor just isn't enough."