God Distances Himself from Ray Lewis

God Distances Himself from Ray Lewis – Image 1
God, the creator of everything, made a rare appearance today when he descended to a hill in suburban Baltimore for a hastily arranged press conference.

"I just want to go on record as saying I am not in any way working with Ray Lewis," said The Almighty. "He keeps talking about how I'm getting him and the Ravens wins, and that couldn't be further from the truth. I am not helping the Ravens win and I'm definitely not helping Ray Lewis win."

God admitted that he did create Ray Lewis, but has had very little contact with the linebacker since then.

"I'm kind of a live and let live Dude, you know?" said God. "I step in here and there for big stuff, but other than that it's up to you all to live your lives. But this dancing guy keeps going on and on about how I am winning his team games. Saying he's praying to Me and getting My power for his teammates. Enough is enough. He's out there pretending we're good friends and that we talk all the time. No. He's a liar."

Lewis began crying upon hearing God's announcement.

"Yes! Yes, God! Yes, Holy Jesus! You challenge me with your denials!" Lewis weeped, swaying and beginning to dance. "You want me to prove myself to you again, Holy God! I will arm myself with your truth and your victory."

"Oh, God, here we go again," said God. "This is what I'm talking about. I have nothing to do with this guy. I just want to make that clear. Okay? If the Ravens win the Super Bowl or don't win the Super Bowl, I'm in no way involved."

God then excused Himself and zoomed back up to heaven, saying he had a soccer game to watch.

"I created the whole world," He said. "I'm more of a football — or soccer, as you call it here — guy. I don't really follow American football much. It's a bit violent for My taste."

Lewis says he will make a sacrifice to prove his love to God.

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