San Francisco 49ers kicker David Akers has filed a trademark for "Akersing," which is when a veteran kicker well past his prime who everyone knows shouldn't be relied on in a game as big as the Super Bowl blows a championship for his team by missing the game-winning kick as time expires.
"I see this as a win-win for me," said Akers. "There's a chance, a very slim chance, that I could make all my kicks in the Super Bowl and I don't become an enduring symbol of sports failure and hated by everyone in Northern California. That would be great. Or, I could continue to stink, lose the Super Bowl for the 49ers and, on the positive side, make a fortune off of the term Akersing."
Akers says he consulted with former Buffalo Bills kicker Scott Norwood, who missed a 47-yard field goal for the Bills at the end of Super Bowl XXV, for advice.
"I still wish I had trademarked Norwooding, but that isn't something players did back in my day," said Norwood. "I could have made a lot of money off of it — money I could have used to hire security or re-landscape my lawn after Bills fans destroyed it."
Norwood hopes Akers won't suffer his fate.
"My life has been hell since 1991. And all I did was miss a 47-yard field goal," said Norwood. "David would have it much worse. I can see him missing a 27-yarder. Maybe a few extra points, too. It will be rough."
The bad new for Akers is that his trademark application likely won't be approved, as Akersing will not become a thing until the final second ticks off the clock at Super Bowl XLVII and Akers' kick sails wide right. Or left. Or falls pathetically short.
It was also reported today that New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning has filed to trademark "Eli Manninging," which is playing quarterback like garbage except for a one-month stretch that you pull out of your ass and somehow manage to win a Super Bowl.
"I was afraid the Ravens will win and that act will be called Flaccoing," said Manning. "I did it first. I deserve the proceeds."