7 Reasons the Ravens Suck and Will Get Killed in Super Bowl XLVII

10 Reasons the Ravens Suck and Will Get Killed in Super Bowl XLVII – Image 1

1. Joe Flacco sucks.

Stop trying to convince yourself that he's good. He's not. Deep-down Ravens fans know it, too. They've seen him constantly overthrow receivers and fumble late in games for five years. Five years. The same people who are telling you he's ELITE now wanted him thrown out of town six weeks ago. And for good reason, too: because Joe Flacco sucks. Three good games in a row — aided by a complete Denver collapse in the secondary — doesn't change that. All it means is that his next game, the Super Bowl, is going to be a dramatic regression to the mean. (That's fancy talk for 147 yards passing and four turnovers.) Not a single person in America (outside of Joe Flacco) will be surprised when — WHEN — this happens.

2. John Harbaugh sucks.

This guy has never garnered a ton of accolades for his strategy or game management. Or any accolades, actually. That's why every Baltimore season since his arrival has ended with him walking off the field with a dumbass confused look on his face. He does a fine job when it comes to motivating today's modern moron athlete with stupid cliches and claims of disrespect and no one believing in them, but anyone can do that. Jim Harbaugh was the better athlete. Jim Harbaugh is the better coach. There's no debating this. The Ravens enter the Super Bowl with the crap Harbaugh brother. Too bad.

3. Ray Lewis sucks.

And he has for a while. "But he has so many tackles in the playoffs!" The tackle stat for linebackers is a joke. Remember when Lewis used to stuff ball carriers at the line of scrimmage? You do? Wow. You have a very long memory. Because based on watching games during the Obama administration, Lewis' "tackles" now come from getting pushed backwards onto a running back six yards down the field. What a warrior! But now his slow ass is going to try to chase down Colin Kaepernick? Excuse me while I coat myself in deer antler spray in hopes it will give me enough strength to stifle my laughter.

4. Torrey Smith is massively overrated.

If you listen to Ravens fans, Torrey Smith is an uncoverable weapon set to destroy every team that comes across Baltimore's path. He is the new greatest wide receiver ever, supplanting Jerry Rice. (Whoops. I mean Randy Moss.) But he is not. He can run fast in a straight line and he has pretty hair. That's it. He's basically Florence Griffith Joyner in football pads. Everyone calm down.

5. Jim Caldwell is Jim Caldwell/Jim Caldwell sucks.

Jim Caldwell was 26-63 as a head coach at Wake Forest. He was 26-22 as the head coach of a stacked Indianapolis Colts team, including 2-14 in one year without Peyton Manning. Jim Caldwell is an awful football coach. Do you really have any faith in Caldwell coming up with an offensive game plan to defeat the No. 3 ranked defense in the NFL in the Super Bowl? If you do, you're dumber than Jim Caldwell. You should almost be proud.

6. Baltimore's defense is massively overrated.

"Colin Kaepernick hasn't faced a defense like the Ravens!" … is a thing you will hear idiots say leading up to kickoff. Fun Fact: Baltimore's defense was ranked 17th in the NFL this year. The perception that Baltimore's defense is fearsome and impenetrable has lived on years after it stopped being true. Baltimore's defense is like eleven Ray Lewises: not nearly as good as your talking TV person tells you. "But but but … the Ravens beat Peyton Manning and Tom Brady in the playoffs! How can you say they're defense isn't great?!?!" Yes, because beating Peyton Manning and Tom Brady in the playoffs is such a hard thing to do. Moron. You should join us all in 2013. It's nice here. We have facts and everything.

7. Karma exists and is merciless.

Ray Lewis thinks his ego-fueled farewell tour is destined to end in a Super Bowl title because his look-at-me dancing and stupid motivational speeches targeted to people with 4th grade intelligence are favored by God? Yeah, no. The PED story ruining his Media Day love-fest is only just the beginning. The only destiny involved in Super Bowl XLVII is Ray Lewis getting humiliated before 100 million people with his legacy forever etched in stone as a crying, cheating, self-promoting, justice obstructing, blood-covered suit destroying loser. Because karma exists. And it is merciless. And it is awesome.

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Also see: 7 Reasons the 49ers Suck and Will Get Killed in Super Bowl XLVII

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