7 Reasons the 49ers Suck and Will Get Killed in Super Bowl XLVII

7 Reasons the 49ers Suck and Will Get Killed in Super Bowl XLVII – Image 1

1. Colin Kaepernick is going to crap all over himself.

Yes, Colin Kaepernick is exciting and talented. Yes, he has a bright future. But quarterbacks don't just show up and suddenly win a Super Bowl. It just doesn't happen. He's going to take the field in the first quarter of Super Bowl XLVII, line up to take the snap and look across the line and see Ray Lewis frothing deer antler spray and the hideous piranha face of Terrell Suggs and realize they intend to kill him. And then he'll realize that he's playing on worldwide television in front of more than 100 million people. And then he'll realize that just two years ago he was playing for freaking Nevada on Fox Sports Southwest against teams like Idaho and Utah State and that none of their defensive players were insane or heard voices from God or had been charged with double murder. And then he will realize there is crap in his pants. And then later he will realize he's thrown another pick-six and is losing 31-3 and it's not halftime yet.

2. Jim Harbaugh is massively overrated.

Jim Harbaugh is seen as the new football coaching hotness, but what has he really accomplished as a coach? Are you impressed by the FCS Pioneer League titles with the University of San Diego Toreros? Is it that Orange Bowl win over mighty Virginia Tech? Harbaugh couldn't even beat his idiot older brother John last year in the first Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh matchup, losing 16-6. People think Jim Harbaugh's yelling and screaming shows he is intense and dedicated to winning. No. Sometimes animals just yell and scream because they're confused and scared and dumb. Jim Harbaugh is basically a monkey stuck in a box.

3. The 49ers haven't beaten anyone.

The last time the 49ers played against an actual NFL defense back on December 23rd, they lost 42-13 to the Seahawks. That's what happens to their pistoly read option gimmick-fest when they face professional-quality defensive players. Since then they've lit up the Packers — whose defense is composed of extras from Aaron Rodgers commercials — and the Falcons, who spend their free time on a corner in a bad part of town, blowing leads for money. The 49ers will go into shock and pass out when they discover the Ravens intend to, you know, try to tackle them.

4. Randy Moss sucks.

The 49ers are really going to try to win a Super Bowl in 2013 with Randy Moss as a starting wide receiver? Wow. You can make a case that Moss is the greatest receiver ever, but most people would still take Jerry Rice … as the greatest ever … and as the more productive player now. Moss has three touchdowns all season, including the playoffs. He has 71 receiving yards in the playoffs. Not in one play. Not in one game. Total. He was dumped last year by the Vikings and Titans. The Vikings and Titans. The Titans. How is he even showing his face in public, let alone attempting to play in a Super Bowl?

5. San Francisco's defense is massively overrated.

Newsflash: in its last five games, San Francisco's defense has given up an average of 28.8 points per game. Spread out over a whole season, that would have been second worst in the NFL this season, worse than the Saints (!) and only slightly better than the Titans. The Titans. Oh, yeah. Joe Flacco should be really intimidated by this outfit.

6. David Akers.

The 49ers could outplay the Ravens in every aspect of the game. They could deserve to win the game. But Akers is going to blow it. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it. And the 49ers deserve to lose for keeping him on the team. 49ers fans should probably just preemptively trash Akers' lawn now so they don't have to fight traffic to his house after the game ends.

7. Karma exists and is merciless.

You don't bench your starting quarterback with a 104.1 quarterback rating because he gets hurt. You just don't. It's a sports law or something. Some might call Jim Harbaugh a genius for making a move, but he's screwing with powers he is no match for. And he's a dick. Plus, the 49ers have a gay-hating cornerback. They are going to get killed in the Super Bowl and these are the reasons. Because karma exists. And it is merciless. And it is awesome.

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Also see: 7 Reasons the Ravens Suck and Will Get Killed in Super Bowl XLVII

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