20 Ways the NHL Can Win Back Angry Fans

20 Ways the NHL Can Win Back Angry Fans – Image 1

1. Give everyone the NHL Center Ice television package for free.

2. Give everyone the NHL Center Ice package for free, but black out all Blue Jackets and Islanders games.

3. Have Gary Bettman tour around to every NHL arena and let season ticket holders punch him in the nuts.

4. Do the same with Donald Fehr, but only punches to the stomach.

5. Free snow cones made with ice shavings collected between periods!

6. Instead of playing shorthanded when killing a penalty, teams must play with five Disney On Ice characters on the ice. You know, for the kids!

7. Torture Don Cherry on-the-air by making him wear khakis and a sensible polo shirt.

8. Free beer. And not that Molson garbage.

9. Maybe give mandatory player steroids a try. It made baseball popular again after its labor problems.

10. Give away free pillows stuffed with real player beard hair.

11. Force the Red Wings to play all of their games with a live, giant octupus in goal.

12. Force Ilya Bryzgalov to play goalie wearing an astronaut helmet.

13. Replace four-on-four overtime with three-on-three overtime followed by a shootout. Also, if it's still tied after the first round of the shootout, just have the teams beat the hell out of each other. The team with the last living player wins.

14. Life-sized, three-foot Gary Bettman voodoo dolls for all fans who buy a ticket.

15. Play a recording of Evgeni Malkin doing Yakov Smirnoff's old standup act on the JumboTron between periods.

16. Add a "play-in" round to the playoffs featuring the Maple Leafs and Sabres. The winner won't actually get into the playoffs, but at least it will seem like something special for their tortured fans.

17. Try out the Morbidly Obese Goalie Theory once each week in a nationally televised game.

18. All playoff series required to go seven games.

19. Free tomatoes for all trophy presentations for the pelting of Gary Bettman.

20. Do absolutely nothing because NHL fans will happily watch hockey whenever they can get it between the semi-annual work stoppages.

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