Following national media debate over whether it was time for the struggling Los Angeles Lakers to panic, the team reportedly did indeed decide to panic late last night following a closed-door, players-only meeting.
"Well, I'm just going to ask the question everyone is asking," Kobe Bryant barked to his teammates following a six-point loss to the lowly Cavaliers that saw the Lakers drop to 9-13. "Is it time to panic? Show of hands."
But before the vote was even completed, two Lakers players began pulling out chunks of their own hair while forward Metta World Peace impaled himself on the end of a railing.
"Looks like the decision is to panic," said Bryant, as teammate Pau Gasol dragged head coach Mike D'Antoni into the locker room and scalped him the metal top of a clipboard. Meanwhile, point guard Chris Duhon ran naked in circles around the room, setting lockers on fire. "Works for me," Bryant added, as he began strangling Dwight Howard from behind with a shoelace.
The panic only subsided after the Lakers tired out due to their advanced age and fell asleep on the floor.
The Cleveland fire department was called and put out the fires the Laker locker room before any of the sleeping players succumbed to the flames or smoke.
"The panic has probably only just begun," said Cleveland fire chief Bob Gowery. "After all, this is a team pinning its whole season on the return of a nearly 39 year-old point guard who has never won anything."
That comment only started the panic anew, as Bryant threw a basketball rack into a wall of mirrors and Howard began practicing free throws.