A Day-in-the-Life of Fat Derek Jeter

A DayintheLife of Fat Derek Jeter – Image 1
11:00 a.m. – Wakes up and for breakfast eats an entire container of fattening whipped cream off of the body of the model laying beside him.

11:10 a.m. – Is so lazy he just lays underneath the model while she has sex with him.

11:30 a.m. – Takes nap while the late-morning model shift changes.

12:00 p.m. – Asks new model if his penis is still there, because he hasn't seen it lately thanks to his "huge gut." New model makes him aware of its existence.

12:30 p.m. – Finally gets around to bathing, but just sits there yawning while receiving a tongue bath from the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

1:00 p.m. – Lazily has a chauffeur drive him to an exclusive lunch spot.

1:30 p.m. – Is immediately seated, possibly because he doesn't have the strength to stand there and wait for a table.

1:35 p.m. – Has two appetizers and three waitresses.

2:30 p.m. – $615,384 paycheck enters his account via direct deposit, the laziest way to get a check.

3:00 p.m. – Has chauffeur drive his enormous fat ass back to his luxury apartment.

3:30 p.m. – Takes elevator instead of stairs all the way to the penthouse.

3:35 p.m. – Lays on his couch and watches a movie.

6:00 p.m. – Calls up actress in the movie.

6:30 p.m. – Has sex with actress in the movie.

7:30 p.m. – Has personal chef make him dinner because he's too lazy to go out.

8:30 p.m. – Watches actress' sequel.

10:30 p.m. – Has sequel with actress.

11:30 p.m. – Gets ready for bed, but is too lazy to walk to the bathroom, so just takes huge dump on a copy of the New York Post.