In what associates are calling "the ultimate Saban dick move," Alabama head football coach Nick Saban phoned Big East commissioner Mike Aresco this morning to express "serious interest in joining the Big East."
"You should have seen the shit-eating grin on Nick's face while he was making the call," said an Alabama staffer who witnessed the conversation. "The whole time he was rolling his eyes and making wanking motions with his free hand. I thought it was really rude to a conference that is going through a hard time, but I didn't want to say anything or I'd lose my job or worse."
Aresco was reportedly ecstatic to receive the call from the Alabama coach.
"Oh, wow. Are you serious, Mr. Saban? You really want to join the Big East? That would be outstanding!" Aresco said.
"Hell, yeah. I'm serious," Saban replied, faking sincerity and enthusiasm. "I really like the nationwide conference you guys are building there. You stretch from UConn down to South Florida over to Tulane up to Boise State and all the way out to San Diego State. No other conference has that kind of footprint."
"Exactly! That's what I've been telling everyone!" Aresco almost yelled. "Oh, man, Nick. It's so good to hear someone like you say that. I have to tell you, we've had some really terrible days and months here. It's been ugly. People are worried the conference is going to die, that they're going to lose their jobs. But getting you? Getting Alabama? We're going to be just fine. More than fine, in fact. Oh, praise Jesus."
"No problem, Mike," said Saban, sneering on the other end of the line.
"I'm going to fax you the membership application right now, okay?" said Aresco. "Just fill it out, send it back and you'll be in the Big East! Oh, I can't wait to tell all of our employees here the great news!"
"Sure thing, buddy," said Saban. "Oh, one thing first, though, if you don't mind."
"Go F*CK yourself, you moron," Saban spat into the phone. "You really think you could get Alabama? That you could get Nick Saban? You're NOTHING. You're DEAD."
Saban was meant with silence.
"Oh, what? You're CRYING now?" said Saban. "Good god, man. Grow a set and learn to take a joke. What a pussy."
The Alabama coach then hung up. Aresco was last seen walking away from the Big East's Providence, Rhode Island, headquarters in the direction of the Providence River.