Vice President Joe Biden will start at quarterback for the Cleveland Browns on Sunday in his final swing through the crucial battleground state of Ohio.
"Hey, I like to throw the pigskin around," said the vice president. "And I played in high school. So I called up the Browns coach — Shurmur, is it? I called him up and said I'd be in Cleveland campaigning and maybe I could play a few snaps. He told me I could start."
Cleveland is 2-6 and essentially out of playoff contention.
"We're always looking for a spark," said Shurmur. "I think the players will be excited and, if you think about it, the vice president isn't that much older than Brandon Weeden. I feel good about our chances."
Biden will play against a Baltimore Ravens defense that has been lit up in recent weeks.
"I look at Joe Flacco and the Ravens like Mitt Romney and the Republicans," said Biden. "They talk a big game and tell you how great they are, but what is there to show for it? Two wars, massive debt and repeated playoff failures. I'm going to torch these bitches with vertical routes."
The vice president says he is as excited for this campaign event as he ever has been for anything in politics.
"Starting an NFL game at quarterback? It's a big f—king deal," said Biden. "And I bet the Browns have some fine ass cheerleaders. If I wasn't a happily married man, you can bet I'd be dipping into that."
Biden refused to say whether President Obama had approved his plan to play for the Browns.
"He's busy," said the vice president. "I try not to bother him with this kind of thing."
Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he doesn't need to "stoop to cheap politicking like playing for the Browns to win votes. I proved my football bona fides by quarterbacking Ohio State in my college days to seven national titles, in addition to me winning six Heismans. You can look it up. Wait, no. Don't do that. Just trust me."
Ryan also said Biden's decision shows the Obama administration's proclivity to "pick winners and losers. In this case, it's another loser. The biggest loser of all. The Cleveland Browns."