Big East Retakes Boston College in Daring Midnight Raid

Big East Retakes Boston College in Daring Midnight Raid – Image 1
The college sports landscape has shifted again after a small, but heavily fortified Big East force successfully took Boston College late last night and reclaimed it for the conference.

"Boston College is again Big East territory," said Big East commissioner Mike Aresco, speaking on video after the attack was complete from the office of deposed Boston College athletics director Brad Bates, the commissioner covered in blood and residue from explosions. "Let this be a warning for those who continue to try to pillage our conference: we will fight back, we will not quit and we will be victorious."

The feed then went out after Aresco used a sword to cut off the head of Boston College mascot Baldwin the Eagle.

A squad of less than two dozen Big East militia members began marching north from Providence early yesterday morning. After a brief rest at a nearby park in which the force was mistaken for being homeless, the attack began just after midnight. The Big East's successful offensive returns Boston College to the conference in which it was a founding member in 1979 and competed in until leaving for the ACC in 2003.

Boston College president William P. Leahy, who survived the attack despite his residence sustaining heavy mortar and rocket fire, said the Big East's actions show the stakes have been raised in conference realignment.

"Half of our buildings on campus are gone," said Leahy. "Countless faculty and staff members are dead or missing. It's a tragedy. It just goes to show you what a conference is capable of when pushed to the brink."

NCAA president Mark Emmert responded to the attack with a plea to other conferences: "Let's keep this about money and lay off the bombs and rockets and mortars, okay? Everyone chill out."

Emmert cannot, however, punish the Big East in any way, as the NCAA bylaws do not explicitly prohibit conference realignment by force.