New York Post staffers say that they are working diligently around the clock to come up with a headline pinning devastating Hurricane Sandy on Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez.
"We promise New Yorkers that despite the difficulties that still remain in the city, including loss of power in our building and in the apartment and homes of our staffers, we will come through with an A-Rod headline about the hurricane," said editor-in-chief Col Allan. "We know that it would raise the spirits of this city's residents and help them get through this tough time."
Since the storm began slamming the city on Monday night, the Post has been planning to target Rodriguez.
"I was looking out of our windows on the top floor and could see the waters rising, could see the power go out and knew this was getting really bad. There was true devastation and heartache," said sports editor Chris Shaw. "That's when I knew we had to go with a really snarky A-Rod headline. So I yelled out: 'This sucks almost as much as A-Rod.' We all high-fived for a few minutes and then got to work."
Working non-stop, sometimes by candlelight and sometimes using lights powered by generators, Post headline writers developed a long list of Rodriguez/Sandy headlines.
"The best we have right now is 'SANDY BLOWS ALMOST AS MUCH AS A-ROD,'" said Allan. "I'm not sure if it's genius or terrible. We haven't slept a lot lately because we've been working so hard on this, so my judgment might be off. At this point I think we just have to go with it. The public needs something, anything."
The New York Daily News is reportedly set to unveil a SANDY TO COST NEW YORK EVEN MORE THAN A-ROD'S CONTRACT headline later today.
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he plans to honor any and all New York publications who help the city recover by mocking Rodriguez.
"One thing I know about New Yorkers is that we are tough and resilient," said Bloomberg. "No storm can change us. We will go on with our daily lives, and that includes our most cherished practice of ripping A-Rod, who I like to call around the office A-Stink. You know, because he stinks. Get it? Oh, that reminds me there is a lot of sewage in our streets because of the hurricane. If you see any, do not touch it. Pretend you are A-Rod and the sewage is a pitched baseball. Boom. That just happened."