Huge Pussy Ray Lewis Unable to Play with Hurt Muscle

Huge Pussy Ray Lewis Unable to Play with Hurt Muscle – Image 1
Baltimore Ravens linebacker and noted total pussy Ray Lewis will miss the remainder of the season after hurting a muscle in one of his arms.

"Eeek! Eeeeeek! It hurts. My army hurts! Give it kisses!" Lewis wailed on the sidelines on Sunday, eliciting eye rolls from his teammates and coaches.

"Oh, jeez. Here we go again," said head coach John Harbaugh. "Every day it's something with this delicate little flower. 'Coach, I'm tired.' 'Coach, my tummy-tum hurts.' 'Coach, I completely tore the triceps in my right arm.' Goddamit! Suck it up, you gaping vagina!"

Lewis' teammates say they're not surprised the linebacker would be out for the season with a hurt arm.

"I'm surprised he ever takes the field at all, the scared little bitch," said quarterback Joe Flacco. "In the locker room before every game he's always crying and whimpering in the corner: 'Guys! Did you see how big they are? Do you think they want to hurt us?' Pissing his pants. Calling his mom. The only thing that gets him on the field is us letting him do his little ballerina dance before every game."

Lewis has yet to announce whether he will return to the NFL again next season.

"Maybe he did, maybe he didn't," said Harbaugh. "I can't understand a thing he says through his pathetic tears. I'd like to think nine months away from the team might somehow toughen up and make him a man, but I doubt it. Ray Lewis is a 100-percent, lifetime pushover wimp if I've ever seen one."

As Lewis left the team locker room to head home, his teammates mocked him, grabbing their arms and fake crying.

"Ahh, are we hurting your feelings? What are you going to do about it?" said Ed Reed. "No one respects you, pussy."

A sobbing Lewis then jumped into the back of his mom's van and was driven off. The pair was spotted later eating soup at a Panera Bread.

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