Angered Over Benching, A-Rod Quits Yankees; Joe Girardi Hailed as World’s Smartest Man

Angered Over Benching, ARod Quits Yankees Joe Girardi Hailed as Worlds Smartest Man – Image 1
Yankees skipper Joe Girardi announced today that highly-paid third baseman Alex Rodriguez would not start Game 5 of the ALDS, setting off a string of events that suggests he may be the world's wisest person.

After Girardi's informed Rodriguez of his decision this afternoon, telling the former slugger he "can't be counted on" and that he is "washed up" and "was probably only ever good due to the massive amounts of steroids" he took.

Enraged by his manager's treatment, Rodriguez flew into a rage, shouting back at Girardi, turning over tables and knocking a jug of water over.

"Oh, wow. Good for you. You made contact with something," said Girardi. "I didn't think I'd ever see that again."

With that barb, witnesses say, Rodriguez got in his manager's face and screamed "I QUIT! You hear me? I'M DONE! I'm never playing for the Yankees AGAIN!"

Girardi then turned to an assistant holding a camera and said: "You got that? Got it all on tape?" The assistant nodded. "Great."

"Alex," Girardi said, turning back to his now former third baseman. "By quitting you have violated your contract. We no longer owe you $114 million over the next five years. Thank god. I win. You lose. Clean out your locker. You are no longer part of this organization."

A thoroughly defeated Rodriguez then collapsed in front of his locker, sobbing, as cheers went up throughout the locker room.

"It's times like these when it helps to be one of the few people in baseball with a college education," said Girardi, who graduated from Northwestern. "I just saved the organization more than 1/10th of a billion dollars and greatly improved our team in the coming years with a plan I thought up in five seconds on the toilet."

It is expected that the Dodgers or Marlins will offer Rodriguez a 5-year, $114 million contract this offseason.