Why All of Your NFL Fantasy Picks SUCK

Why All of Your NFL Fantasy Picks SUCK – Image 1

11. Cam Newton, QB, Panthers – Newton is in for a big drop-off in fantasy numbers. Defenses will be ready for him now and, believe it or not, he's not going to turn out to be the first player in NFL history to figure out the league from the start. Unless you think Cam Newton is a perfect being — in which case you're forgetting his miniature, Shrek-like ears and the many ethical lapses of his college years. No, he's not perfect. He's as flawed as your fantasy team.

12. Jimmy Graham, TE, Saints – It's always smart to invest a 1st or 2nd Round pick on someone you never even heard of a year ago. This could never backfire on you!

13. Ryan Mathews, RB, Chargers – Whoa. Seriously? Okay, here's what we're going to do: Just tell everyone that during the draft you had explosive diarrhea and when you got up to clean off the wall behind you, the computer went ahead and auto-picked Ryan Mathews for you. That story is far less embarrassing than picking Ryan Mathews on purpose.

14. Maurice Jones-Drew, RB, Jaguars – Maurice Jones-Drew led the league in rushing last year. Last year. This is this year. See the difference? This year Jones-Drew didn't practice once in camp and is starting the season as a 3rd down back. He'll be in game shape around, oh, Week 4 or 5 which, in fantasy leagues, is close to half the season wasted. However, he'll really produce for you from Week 6 on as you make your ultimately doomed playoff push from a 1-4 start! Hooray!

15. Rob Gronkowski, TE, Patriots – Seriously, just do a Google Images search for genital warts, gonorrhea, syphilis and the like and then take a moment to think about whether being ravaged with these venereal diseases might affect how someone is able to perform on the field. Too bad you didn't do this thought exercise before you drafted such a slut.

16. Matt Forte, RB, Bears – Remember that season LaDainian Tomlinson had 28 rushing touchdowns? That was awesome. Matt Forte could get 28 this year. Although through four years in the NFL he has 21, so getting seven in a single season to make it to 28 overall would be well above his career average. Hey, not every fantasy running back can be as good as Tomlinson was or even 1/4th as good as him, right? But there's no problem with with drafting a running back who doesn't score touchdowns. There's only one ball to go around. Wait, no. That's true for a real football team, not a fake one. Hmm. Tough break for you.

17. Matthew Stafford, QB, Lions – His top receiver is likely going to be decapitated somehow during the national anthem before Detroit's first game. Next.

18. Marshawn Lynch, RB, Seahawks – You drunk-drafted and got Marshawn Lynch. How fitting.

19. Victor Cruz, WR, Giants – "Bad pick? But Victor Cruz is the Giants' future at receiver! He and Eli Manning will be a dynamic tandem for years!" Yes, just like Hakeem Nicks before him and Steve Smith before him and Domenik Hixon before him and Plaxico Burress before him. Fun Fact: the Giants have had a different receiving yards leader in each of the past five seasons. Didn't know that, did you? YOU CONTINUE TO FAIL AT HISTORY, FANTASY FOOTBALL AND BASIC KNOWLEDGE OF THINGS!

20. Trent Richardson, RB, Browns – Oh, I get it now with picking a Browns player. You're doing an ironic fantasy league. Never mind. I take back all the stuff I said before. You nailed it.