Did you pick any of these guys in your fantasy draft? Well they, and you, suck. Here's why. (Note: players ranked using Yahoo's fantasy rankings.)
1. Arian Foster, RB, Texans – Arian Foster is coming off of an injury-plagued season and now he's a vegan. While his diet is great for personal peace of mind, and environmental sustainability and all that good stuff, you probably don't want the success of your entire fantasy team hinging on the durability and performance of someone who shares a diet with Alicia Silverstone.
2. Ray Rice, RB, Ravens – Ray Rice would've been a great pick. Except it seems you didn't hear the news that there's a new offensive superstar in Baltimore and his name is Joseph V. Flacco (the "V" stand for something totally awesome) . Yes, the Ravens plan to throw the ball like crazy this year. Don't believe me? Think it's insane for a team to take the ball from Ray Rice and give it to Joe Flacco? Just look at the stats from the preseason: Flacco aired it out 60 times while Rice ran just 10 times. What you drafted is the league's most talented decoy. Well done.
3. LeSean McCoy, RB, Eagles – When Michael Vick ruptures on the first snap of the season, who do you think opposing defenses will key on for the final 63 quarters of the year? LeSean McCoy is good, but he's not quite good enough to put up big numbers for an NFL team quarterbacked by Nick Foles. No one is.
4. Aaron Rodgers, QB, Packers – Oh, you think Rodgers is going to get close to his 45 passing touchdowns again, friend? You're not my friend because I don't befriend MORONS. Check history: every time a quarterback puts up big TD numbers, there is a huge regression to the mean the next year as defenses adjust. When Dan Marino threw 48, he fell off to 30 the next year. When Peyton Manning threw 49, he only had 28 the season after. When Tom Brady threw 50? He immediately had his knee snapped in half by Bernard Pollard and threw zero. It was hilarious. The point is this: Rodgers isn't going to be even close to the same fantasy quarterback he was last year and now your team sucks because you are stupid.
5. Calvin Johnson, WR, Lions – Madden cover, plays for the Detroit Lions … I don't have to spell this one out for you. You should just take your fantasy team out behind the shed and shoot it in head now before it has to suffer.
6. Tom Brady, QB, Patriots – Wow. You know less about football than a Brazilian supermodel. Impressive work by you. Brady's receivers suck. Gisele knows this, why don't you? If Rob Gronkowski doesn't catch the ball — and you know he's going to miss most of the season with syphilis — Brady has few other options beyond dumping the ball to tiny Wes Welker for a 4-yard gain or taking a sack and whining to the refs for roughing the passer. Let's hope your friends who make the playoffs in your league buy something nice with your money.
7. Drew Brees, QB, Saints – See the Aaron Rodgers section about quarterbacks always falling way off after a big year. Then also factor in that Brees is significantly older than Rodgers, is playing on a team with no head coach and will probably be suspended for the year by the league commissioner if doesn't have his shirt tucked in at all times. Yeah. Whoops is right.
8. Chris Johnson, RB, Titans – Holy crap. Well, since you obviously don't care about your fantasy football team, you may as well have a player who doesn't give a crap about regular football. See how Chris Johnson's yards, yards per carry and touchdowns have dropped significantly each of the past two years? That's what people with a brain like to call a "red flag."
9. Darren McFadden, RB, Raiders – "Oh, no. Someone who looks so big and strong won't miss significant time due to injury for the fifth year in a row! Pshaw!" you said to yourself. Yourself is such a rube. That idiot will believe anything.
10. Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Cardinals – Here's a fantasy: Larry Fitzgerald playing on a team with a quarterback capable of throwing him the ball. Here's another fantasy: your fantasy team not finishing dead last.