[Musical intro, mixed with play-by-play calls]
Announcer: Welcome to the Mike Mularkey Show on the Jaguars Radio Network. Join head coach Mike Mularkey and Brian Sexton, voice of the Jaguars, for the latest news and information on your Jacksonville Jaguars — straight from the head coach. The Mike Mularkey Show is brought to you by … we still have no sponsors. Now let's get the show started. Here is Brian Sexton.
Sexton: Good evening. Welcome to The Mike Mularkey Show. Coach Mularkey, how are you doing tonight?
Mularkey: I'm good, Brian. So we're actually doing this, huh?
Sexton: Yes we are, coach. All the other NFL franchises have coaches shows, so we thought we should do one, too. It makes us seem more like a real team.
Mularkey: But no one is listening, is that correct?
Sexton: Yes, sir. You are correct. We don't have any sponsors so we couldn't afford to do a real show. Also, there is no such thing as the Jaguars Radio Network. Maybe one day. But we're not there yet.
Mularkey: We don't have even one radio station? That announcer guy in the open sounded real.
Sexton: Not a traditional station, no. However, if you stand close enough to the stadium on a game day, you can hear the public address announcer. And that was me doing my low announcer's voice. See? LIKE THIS.
Sexton: Plus, it's your first year here and it's not exactly like you're a big name – no offense – so probably no one would listen anyway. Well, let's get the show rolling and talk about the Week 1 game against the Vikings. Tough loss. Overtime loss. But what are some positives to take out of the game?
Mularkey: Well, I thought we saw Blaine Gabbert make some progre- … wait. Why are we doing this? If no one is listening and we don't have a radio station, I feel like I'm wasting my time.
Sexton: It's not a waste of time, coach. I have this tape recorder here. Every word you're saying is being captured. We never know, someone could want to hear it one day. We get all kinds of strange requests. Just last week someone called the office about season tickets. It was nuts.
Mularkey: That's great. So we sold him the tickets?
Sexton: No. Our ticket guy panicked and hung up the phone.
Sexton: Yep. Well, if we're not going to talk about last week's game, let's talk about the season. What are your goals for the team?
Mularkey: Our goals are the same as every team: make the playoffs. Anything can happen once you get there.
Sexton: What about you personally? You've been the head coach of the Bills and now the Jaguars. I imagine your ultimate goal is to work your way up to … I don't want to say a real NFL team, but you know what I mean. A team people remember exists?
Mularkey: I am hoping to build that kind of team here in Jacksonville.
Sexton: Ha! Yeah.
Sexton: Oh. Awkward. I didn't realize you were serious. Is there anything else you want to talk about? This is the part where we would take a commercial break if we had sponsors and if this was being broadcast.
Sexton: Okay, we'll be back with more from with Jacksonville Jaguars head coach Mike Mularkey on The Mike Mularkey Show.
Mularkey: Can I leave now? I have a team charity event to go to.
Sexton: Sure. Just let me press stop on my tape recorder. Annnnnnd … we're done. By the way, you should know that we don't really have a team charity. The sick and the homeless asked us not to come because we were bumming them out.
Mularkey: No problem. It was the same in Buffalo.
Sexton: I'll see you next week, coach. Good show.