1. Don't bullrush a team when they're kneeling down on the final play of the game.
2. When comparing a player to another player, always make sure the players are of the same race.
3. On an interception or fumble return, do your best to lateral the ball to a fat guy because seeing them run is hilarious.
4. Never give all credit to your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ after you play terribly in a loss.
5. Take as much HGH as you possibly can before the NFL starts testing for it.
6. Avoid injuring the legs of kickers and punters when abusing them for fun in the locker room.
7. No sex with cheerleaders during the game.
8. Never sign a free agent contract with the Cleveland Browns.
9. Pretend to respect the special teams coach.
10. Smash only one testicle of an opponent in a pile up for a loose ball.
11. Don't tarnish the shield, whatever the hell that means.
12. Always know the point spread of the game because, you know … just because.
13. Practice poor grammar and extreme profanity when talking trash.
14. Locker room gay jokes must stop before everyone puts on their tailored, designer suits to go home.
15. Never openly flirt with a female fan in the stands during a home game because your wife is probably there.
16. Never openly flirt with a male fan in the stands during a game because your teammates are there.
17. Be all like "Whaaa? Me? Are you SERIOUS?" if called for pass interference.
18. Be all like "What? COME ON! That was pass interference!" if you fail to catch a pass.
19. Don't go poking around asking too many question when it comes to the longterm health of your brain.
20. Make up negative things said about you by "haters," "the media" and "they" to motivate yourself.
21. Touchdown dance like no one is watching.
22. Always refer to your fans as "the best in football" even though that's almost assuredly a lie.
23. Don't audibly cheer or smile when the player ahead of you on the depth chart gets injured.
24. No farting in the huddle.
25. Never write down all of the rules.