A 10-year study that researchers say provides "important and dire public health information for America's athletes, young and old" on the effects of football on the human brain was announced today at Princeton University.
"We can say, without out any doubt, that playing football is … wait, hold on. I have to take this," said Dr. Emmett Gould, who headed the study, answering his cell phone.
"Yeah, yeah. Okay. Totally. I'll be there right away," Gould was overheard speaking into the phone.
"Excuse me, everyone," he said, turning to the crowd again. "I have to leave. My buddy Fitzy just called and the bar is already filling up for tonight's Giants-Cowboys game. If I don't leave now I won't get a seat, so I gotta go. Woooooo! Go Giants! We're going to kick some ass!"
After Gould departed — with most of his research team following along behind, removing their lab coats to reveal football jerseys — all that was left was a young intern who worked on the study.
"Well," she stammered. "I'm disappointed that they left, as there are some extremely important findings that the public needs to know. If it's okay, I will share what we learned."
She then produced a series of charts and pictures of brain tissue and used grave terminology, but her ultimate point was lost as all the reporters present were checking their fantasy football rosters within the first 30 seconds of her spiel.
"Any questions?" she concluded. "Obviously, by your silence, I can tell you are as stunned and saddened by the findings as I am."
Finally one reporter spoke up.
"Who you got in the Jaguars game? Vikings are minus four."