UConn basketball coach Jim Calhoun retired today after 26 years at the school and 40 years in coaching. The surly 70 year-old said he felt it was time to step aside as a coach and focus his energies on "all these goddam kids in my neighborhood who are trampling my wife's chrysanthemums, the bastards."
Calhoun steps down with 873 career victories and three national titles but says his greatest accomplishment as a head coach was "crushing the joy out of countless young men."
"So many 18 year-old players show up on campus and they want to have fun and make friends and enjoy themselves," said Calhoun. "That's not what basketball is about. It's about tearing out all of that happiness and positivity and that youthful carefree attitude until all that is left is robotic, joyless, basketball fundamentals. It's the reason I angrily crawled out of bed every morning."
Without the October to April grind of the season and recruiting, Calhoun said he will have a lot more free time.
"I think retirement and free time is for losers, but here we are," he said. "I hate everyone, myself included. At least I'm consistent, unlike the hypocrites that make up the rest of the human parasite race."
Pat Calhoun, the coach's wife, says that she is looking for employment now that her husband is retiring.
"We don't need the money, I'll just need to get out of the house and away from him or I'll kill myself or him," she said. "He makes every waking moment miserable. That's not true. He even makes sleeping miserable, too, because he snores and yells at people in his sleep."
The coach has already put up "NO TRESPASSING" and "KEEP OUT" signs around his yard and says he plans to keep an eye on his "asshole neighbors. You should see how infrequently the guy across the street cuts his lawn. Once a week tops. I won't stand for that horseshit."
Several homes in Calhoun's neighborhood have gone up for sale since the coach made his announcement.