Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler treated all five of his linemen to $19 Casio wristwatches Thursday night after his teammates managed to get him through an entire game against the Packers without him getting killed.
On the way out of town to the airport, Cutler instructed the team bus driver to pull into a Green Bay Walmart. Five minutes later Cutler returned to the bus with a Walmart bag.
"Here you go, fellas," he said, taking the watches out of the bag and tossing them to his linemen. "Great work tonight. Only seven sacks and I can still walk. Super work out there."
"Oh, wow. Thanks, Jay!" said left tackle J'Marcus Webb, excitedly opening his watch case to extract the plastic, digital watch. "I thought you would be mad at us. But new watches? You're the best!"
"Jeezus, you guys are hopeless," said Cutler. "It a sarcastic gift, idiots. I'm telling you how much you suck by giving you shit watches. If you were good and didn't get me killed on nearly every play, I would do like some quarterbacks do with their lines and buy you Rolexes. You get it? Ah, nevermind. I'm not explaining this to a bunch of morons. You guys can't block or be insulted properly. I hate you."
"Either way, man, a watch is a watch," said Webb. "I appreciate it, whatever the message. It's always nice to get gifts. I think Rolexes are way overpriced anyway. All that money just to tell the time. No, thanks. I'll take this Casio. Thanks, Jay."
Cutler says he plans to treat his line to an expensive steak dinner at the end of the season again.
"You know, assuming I'm still alive then and everything," he said. "Same as last year, $100 steaks for my whole line, my treat. Also same as last year: I'll go back into the kitchen before the food comes out and take a dump in the sauce."