July 26, 2012 2:00 p.m. The Palace Hotel in New York City
John Henry: Okay, you guys requested this meeting to vent some frustrations with Bobby Valentine. Let's hear it.
Larry Lucchino: First, just one thing we should mention as men of means, we enjoy fine wines. And it just so happens that me and John had several bottles of a '61 Bordeaux the day we decided to hire Bobby. So, yeah. Our apologies if we messed up. Lesson learned. We won't make future hires while drunk.
John Henry: Right. I'm with him on that. Now let's hear what you have to say. Adrian, you texted me to schedule this. You start.
Adrian Gonzalez: Okay. Yeah, I mainly hate everything about Bobby his personality, his style of managing, and especially his stupid face. I don't know a better way to put it.
Larry Lucchino: Got it. I can't really disagree with anything you said. Let's keep it going around the table. Jon?
Jon Lester: I hate Bobby because he kept me in too long when I didn't have my best stuff and I got lit up.
John Henry: Are you talking about that April game when you gave up seven runs in two innings?
Jon Lester: No, not that one.
Larry Lucchino: The May game when you gave up seven runs in four innnings?
Jon Lester: No, not that one either.
John Henry: The game last week when you gave up six runs in four innings?
Jon Lester: No, no. The one a few days ago when I gave up 11 runs in four innings.
John Henry: Oh, okay. Just wanted to make sure we have all the specifics.
Jon Lester: I mean, ideally I'd have him not pitch me more than one inning per start because everything usually goes to hell after that for me this season. But the 11-run game I had was the worst example of Bobby being bad.
Larry Lucchino: Got it. David?
David Ortiz: I think our clubhouse is toxic. I'm just tired of dealing with the drama. It's not fun to play here anymore. There's too much pressure. I'm tired of it all.
John Henry: I appreciate your candor. I would suggest, however, that you not complain too much publicly. I'm not sure the fans would like hearing a guy who gets paid $14 million to do nothing but swing a bat a few times a day complain about how hard he has it.
David Ortiz: Okay, but what if I explain how hard it is on me to produce without the benefit of steroids?
John Henry: No. I wouldn't advise that.
David Ortiz: It's still the truth.
Josh Beckett: Can I finally talk? I've got a tee time in 45 minutes.
Larry Lucchino: Sure thing, Josh.
Josh Beckett: Who calls a team meeting and doesn't get it catered? I'm starving.
Larry Lucchino: Is that all you have?
Josh Beckett: Yes.
John Henry: Okay. Dustin?
Dustin Pedroia: I have two points. One, I think Bobby Valentine is a terrible manager and should be fired immediately. My second point, and this is the most important one, so please everyone listen up: I was not at this meeting, okay? If anyone plans to leak that we had this meeting, please don't say that I was here. I have a reputation of being a scrappy, hard-nosed guy who just plays the game. Me being involved in going behind my manager's back to ownership wouldn't look good. So again: I wasn't here. And also that stuff about Bobby being terrible.
Larry Lucchino: You weren't here. Fine. Now our last attendee. I'm sorry, I don't recognize you.
Vobby Balentine: I am Vobby Balentine. I'm a backup.
Adrian Gonzalez: You look like Bobby Valentine in sunglasses and a fake mustache.
Vobby Balentine: Interesting.
John Henry: Well, what are your thoughts on Bobby?
Vobby Balentine: I, Vobby Balentine, think Bobby Valentine is the best manager ever and should keep his job forever.
John Henry: That's all I need to hear. I think backup players are the heart and soul of a baseball team. Like little Pedroias, but not backstabbers.
Larry Lucchino: I agree with you. Bobby is keeping his job.
Adrian Gonzalez: You guys are drunk again, aren't you?
John Henry: A little bit.
Larry Lucchino: There are some great wine bars in New York. Guilty as charged.
Josh Beckett: Nice, brahs. I'm drunk, too. It's nice to work for bosses I can respect.
Dustin Pedroia: Is this meeting over that I wasn't at?
John Henry: Yes. Adjourned.
Vobby Balentine: Before you all leave, none of you guys are starting today is what Bobby Valentine told me to tell you.