Timi Garstang – Men's Track, 100m, Marshall Islands
Usain Bolt is the fastest man in the world. Timi Garstang is the slowest fast man in the world. He ran the 100m in London in 12.81 seconds. That's more than three seconds slower than Bolt's 9.63 and more than two seconds slower than the winning time in the women's 100m. As further comparison, the winning times in the 100m at the 2012 North Dakota Track and Field State Championships for both the boys (10.85) and girls (11.98) would have blown Garstang away.
Mirco Scarantino – Men's Weightlifting, Italy
Scarantino earned the title of Weakest Olympic Male Weightlifter. He finished 14th in his weight class with a Snatch of 213 pounds (97 kg) and a Clean and Jerk of 281 pounds (128 kg) for a total of 495 pounds (225 kg). The USA's Holley Mangold finished 10th in the women's heavyweight division, yet still out-lifted Scarantino by 33 pounds.
Masempe Theko – Women's Swimming, 50m Freestyle, Lesotho
The 50m Freestyle is one length of the pool. Dive in, swim, swim, swim, swim, touch the wall. Quick. Fast. Except in this case. Theko swam 50 meters in 42.35 seconds. The women's 50m was won with a time of 24.05. You have to wonder if a lifeguard was tempted to jump in at some point during Theko's long journey to the other side of the pool.
Zamzam Mohamed Farah – Women's Track, 400m, Somalia
At 1:20.48, Ms. Farah somehow managed to have the worst 400m in the Olympics by a whopping 15 seconds. Her time was 31 seconds slower than what gold medal winner Sanya Richards-Ross put up. An 80-second 400m means she ran four consecutive 20-second 100s. Not every country is a track powerhouse and that's fine. But perhaps athletes who could be beaten by hundreds of fans in the stands should not be admitted to the world's premier athletic contest.
Predrag Filipovic – Men's Walking, 20km, Serbia
Filipovic finished in 48th place, dead-last, in race walking — 32 seconds behind 47th place and nearly 9 minutes behind the winner. Congratulations, Predrag, you are terrible at race walking. Actually, that may be something to be proud of.
Adaveeshaiah P. Gajan Ullalmath – Men's Swimming, 800m, India
The 800m is the longest pool race and Ullalmath made it last as long as possible, traveling 800 meters in 16:31.14 — or more than 2 minutes longer than it took gold medal winner Sun Yang of China to do so. It's probably for the best. Adaveeshaiah P. Gajan Ullalmath isn't a very marketable name.
Yasmin Hassan Farah – Women's Table Tennis, Djibouti
Table Tennis opens with a preliminary round, featuring the lowest seeded players in the tournament. Yet despite playing another poor player, Farah still got routed 11-0, 11-2, 11-2, 11-4. At least she seemed to improve during the match. Watch for her at Rio 2016!
Rafalca – Individual Dressage, United States
Rafalca, the Ann Romney-owned horse, was the most hyped non-human athlete heading into London 2012. Yet he (she?) choked and finished 28th in Individual Dressage. What a loser horse.
It's a shame Rafalca wasted the undeniable athleticism of Jan Eberling, the 53 year-old man who sat on Rafalca while it danced around. Usain Bolt wishes he was half the athlete as that dapper prancing equine guy.