The 8 Athletes in Every Olympics

The 8 Athletes in Every Olympics – Image 1

The Choker

This person has trained her entire life for this day. Never had a slice of pizza, never drank a soda, never stayed up later than 10:00 p.m. All for this one day, this one event. Today is the day all the dedication and hard work pays off! And here she goes! It's … oh … oh my. Oh my god. That was really really really bad. Hard to watch. Just complete and total heartbreak. Oh, well. It was only 20 years and an entire childhood wasted.

The Vet

Most Olympians are complete no-names. But this guy has been around before. He's one of the few faces you recognize at the start of the Games. In fact, NBC used his image to market the Olympics before they started. He may do well at these Olympics, he may not. It doesn't matter, his past success means his legacy is secured. He's mainly here to take one last go at getting laid as much as possible in the Olympic Village. Then it's off to a retirement of being in a sports drink commercial every four years.

The Sex Symbol

Is this person any good? Who knows? Who cares? For some reason you're letting athletic concerns get in the way of looking at Dat Ass. Even if they don't bring home gold, they'll still earn a much more respected honor: the top spot in the mandatory "___ Hottest Olympians!!!" post that runs on every sports blog in the world.

The Newcomer

Whoa! Who is this fresh face? They have come out of nowhere to capture hearts and minds! America has a NEW SUPERSTAR (for a week) and it's this great champion! All hail their greatness! American superiority shall continue into another generation. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Note: In four years, The Newcomer will be The Vet.

The Hated Foreigner

What's the deal with this foreigner trying to win medals away from hard-working Americans who deserve them? What an a-hole. A CHEATING a-hole, no doubt! And look at that cocky attitude, too. This person is a reminder why the rest of the world SUCKS.

Note: In their country, this person is The Vet or The Newcomer, while America's Vet/Newcomer is The Hated Foreigner.

The Non-Athlete Champion

Everyone loves a winner! Or at least feels obligated to love a winner. This person won gold in a sport no one cares about, like Archery or the one with the horsey dancing … so they have to be given the same talk show circuit post-Games tour like every other gold medal winner. Ugh. Stop talking already. Go away and return to oblivion so we can laud the real athletes. Deep down you know we really don't care about you, right? I mean, come on … table tennis? Have some dignity.

The Future NFL Star?!?!

Wow. Look how fast that guy ran. Should a really stupid NFL team try to make him into a wide receiver even though he's never played football and probably can't catch? Like, Raiders stupid? Let's debate this even though it won't go anywhere, okay? OKAY!

The Human Interest Story

This person has everything going for her as far as getting coverage from NBC, because she has absolutely nothing going for her in life. At age two both of her parents were eaten in front of her by a pack of wolves. She then went to live with her grandparents who set her on fire every night for fun. Then it was off to a series of orphanages, where she contracted nine fatal diseases, yet somehow beat all of them. Today she has alopecia, gout, a colostomy bag and a massive goiter … but she still made it to the Olympics, even though her plane crashed on the way. It all makes for one hell of a three-minute segment on the "Today" show.