New England Patriots tight end and bro's bro Rob Gronkowski announced today he intends to play the upcoming season without his jersey or any pads above the waist.
"I've seen hot pieces of ass in the stands at every game I've ever played," said the third-year pro. "I don't want to miss an opportunity to show them the goods. I've got bigger things going on than just some football game, if you know what I mean. Having sex with girls — especially ones with big titties — is what I mean. Okay. Wasn't sure if you got it, bro."
Per NFL uniform rules, Gronkowski will not be allowed to play without a jersey, but he says that won't be a problem.
"Oh, yeah? There are rules about the uniform? Damn, they thought of everything," he said. "No matter, though. No matter. Who's gonna say no to The Gronk? Chicks don't, so Goodell won't either. I mean, look at these pecs go. Boom boom boom boom boom. Jeah!"
Patriots head coach Bill Belichick wasn't pleased to hear about Gronkowski's shirtless plan.
"Gah, what a stupid asshole," said Belichick. "He's a hell of a tight end and I love winning, but I would be totally fine if he caught syphilis from some porn star and died. What an idiot."
If Gronkowski is not allowed to play the season shirtless, he says he may have to consider his options outside of football.
"I've got a reality show coming up, bro," he said. "How can I be in a reality show if I don't keep it realer than real? And I don't do nothing with a shirt on. Jeah!"