by Ross Snow
Major League Baseball received yet another shock last night after likeable Boston Red Sox utility man Nick Punto tested negative for testosterone, leaving fans and analysts in a state of disbelief.
“It’s odd. It’s something I’ve never seen in my 26 years of drug testing,” said an anonymous source linked with MLB‘s Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program. “I didn’t even know it was humanly possible. I mean, everyone’s got testosterone. Even small animals have testosterone. Turtles. Baby turtles have more testosterone than Nick Punto. Baffling, really.”
League officials have tried cracking down on banned substances in recent years, with Punto’s case being the most recent. His case may also be the most unusual though, bringing up a whole new set of questions regarding testosterone and leveling of the playing field.
“Do we suspend him? Do we give him a warning? Do we… give him some? It’s all up in the air. Right now, we’re discussing which options are in the best interest of Major League Baseball,” said the anonymous source. “Supplying him with a corked bat isn’t outside the realm of possibilities. We just want a fair game out there.”
Not one for controversy, the .247 career hitting Punto quickly held a press conference today, issuing a brief response.
“No testosterone? Come on guys, I have testosterone. I have so much. Wait, watch — could a guy with no testosterone do this?” Asked Punto before doing what appeared to be a card trick. “Alright, no — no further comments,” said Punto, quickly being escorted off by Red Sox staff.
While no official decision has yet to be made, Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine didn’t hesitate to offer up his own opinion, one surprisingly lacking the cloud of controversy the manager is known for.
“I could care less, really. Honestly, I’m just glad this isn’t being blamed on me.”