Minutes after the four-team trade that sent Orlando Magic star Dwight Howard to the Los Angeles Lakers was agreed to by all involved parties, a cackling David Stern called Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak and announced that the deal would not be approved by the league.
"I love this part of my job," said Stern, laughing louder as Kupchak began weeping. "I really do. The best part is that I'm nixing a four-team deal this team, so it screws over more than 10-percent of the league. That's an awesome rate of return on my assholery."
Stern then ordered a now sobbing Kupchak to remain on the line as he called the Magic, Sixers and Nuggets to inform them that the deal was off.
"Tell them, MItch," said Stern. "Tell them why the deal is off."
"I … I don't know. I just don't know, sir," Kupchak wailed. "Is it for basketball reasons?"
"No. I'm not even pretending it's that this time," said a gleeful Stern. "It's because I just like screwing people over, you especially for some reason. Isn't that great? It's just fun being a dick. It's my only joy in life. My only joy! I love it! So there's the reason. Go tell your fans. Tell them it's because hate fuels me. And tell them I hate them. Quote me. Say it just like I did and make sure you say I was happy."
Stern then ordered each of the four general manager to text them pictures of their faces, "and make sure they're really sad and miserable. I love that."
With Howard stuck in Orlando again, it's not clear what's next.
"Can it get better than tonight?" said Stern. "I don't know. That's a tall order. Ruining this deal was pretty awesome. But, yes, I am interested to see what they come up with next. I would love to destroy another one and make everyone sad. It's what gets me out of bed every day."
Stern also admitted that "basketball reasons" isn't even a thing.
"Hell, no. I just made that shit up," said Stern. "Great, right?"