2001: New Jersey Jets president and general manager Rod Thorn selects Scalabrine in the 2nd Round of the NBA Draft on a dare.
2002: Scalabrine keeps his roster spot with the Nets thanks to a clerical error.
2003: Scalabrine wins a Golden Globe Award for Best Male Supporting Actor (Comedy) for his hilarious bit appearances playing basketball on TNT.
2004: Scalabrine starts and is the go-to player on offense for Team USA at the 2004 Olympic Games.
2005: Scalabrine signs a personal services contract with Boston Celtics with the requirement of "being white, having red hair and wearing a Boston Celtics jersey."
2006: Scalabrine scores the first points of his NBA career when a teammate's shot is blocked off of his forehead and deflects into the basket.
2007: Kevin Garnett spends a 72-hour period screaming at Scalabrine and slapping him in the face. Scalabrine calls the experience "the most I've ever felt part of a team."
2008: Scalabrine rides the bench for the Boston Celtics, yet wins an NBA championship ring with the team — making him a better basketball player than LeBron James for four years according to one form of talent evaluation.
2009: After years of physical therapy and practice, Scalabrine teaches himself to jog and jump slightly off of the ground for the first time.
2010: Scalabrine signs with the Chicago Bulls after Bulls owner Jerry Reinsdorf draws the shortest straw at the NBA owners meeting.
2011: The NBA players and owners lock up in a labor disagreement centered on a dispute over whether Scalabrine should really be described as a "player." The dispute is resolved when Scalabrine agrees to join the NBA Mascots Union.
2012: In the 3rd quarter of a game against the Suns, Scalabrine takes the ball, tries to dribble left and … oh, man. There's really no way to describe it. You had to see it. It was unbelievably hilarious.