New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick called NFL commissioner Roger Goodell this morning and offered to help him end the contract stalemate between the NFL and its referees.
"Maybe, you know, I could torture them," said Belichick, sounding hopeful on the phone. "Nothing major. Just some waterboarding, maybe stabbing them with hot pokers, some light limb severing. For about a week. What do you say?"
"Well, I appreciate you wanting to get involved to help out," said Goodell. "But I don't think our situation with the refs really rises to the level of torture, you know?"
"So this is like you not being able to tell me to torture them until they accept your offer to protect you legally, but you still want me to do it, right?" replied Belichick.
"No. That is completely wrong," said Goodell. "I am saying 100-percent don't do it."
"Got it. Clear as day. You want me to torture them," Belichick added, hanging up – but not before a scream was heard in the background.
An hour after the commissioner's call with Belichick, he received a call from NFL official Ed Hochuli from a Massachusetts area code. Hochuli sounded scared and was weeping and begging to accept the league's offer. But the call quickly ended when a man's voice, a voice that sounded like Belichick's, yelled: "Hey! How did you get up here? You will pay for this!" Then the line went dead.
"I just hope Bill doesn't overdo it," said Goodell. "He left DeMaurice Smith with a lot of visible scars last year. We don't want people asking questions."