Why Every Nation in the Olympics Sucks

Why Every Nation in the Olympics Sucks – Image 6

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Sao Tome and Principe — Your two islands were built by volcanoes which are now extinct. Even volcanoes didn't want to live there.

Saint Lucia — You are named for the patron saint of the blind. So the settlers who named your island thought: "You know who wouldn't mind this place? People who can't see."

Samoa — Wait. Maybe you're the Girl Scout cookie people and not American Samoa. Let's hope this doesn't lead to a canoe naval war between your two nations.

San Marino — His name was Dan Marino, dumbasses. You suck at naming things in people's honor.

Saudi Arabia — You have a lousy track record when it comes to women's rights. But that's only 50-percent of your population. If you round that up to 100-percent, you have a perfect human rights record!

Senegal — Two of your major industries are artificial fertilizer and chemical manufacturing. Senegal: For All of Your Do-It-Yourself Bomb Needs!

Serbia — You produce one-third of the world's raspberries. But the amazing facts don't stop there! Serbia also makes a lot of raspberry jam! What a country.

Seychelles — Tomorrow's weather forecast: Humid. (This is tomorrow's forecast regardless of when you read this.)

Sierra Leone — Your country's name means Mountain Lions. Interesting name choice. Probably not great for tourism, though. For example, Australia isn't named Crocodiles Everywhere!

Singapore — [Redacted out of fear of getting caned.]

Slovakia — Your national dish is bryndzové haluÅ¡ky — potato dumplings, sheep cheese, and smoked pork fat — meaning heart defibrillator machines are your top import.

Slovenia — You are the richest of the Slavic countries. Maybe don't brag about that too much at your next international cocktail party.

Solomon Islands — You don't have any TV stations. But don't worry about it. Television is probably just a fad.

Somalia — Your national anthem is titled "Somalia, Wake Up." The second verse is particularly good from the opening line: "Shut up! We're trying to sleep!"

South Africa — Eleven official languages? Apparently the words "no" or "enough" are not in any of them.

South Korea — Want to know the real reason North Korea stays cut off from the world? They fear having to hear South Korean pop music.

Spain — While all of you are dumber than bulls, some of you are faster. Congrats.

Sri Lanka — Your claim to fame? Cinnamon. Well, maybe not fame, per se. But it probably earns a mention in most books about spices.

St. Kitts and Nevis — You were the first islands to be colonized by the English and French. Way to put up a fight.

St. Vincent and the Grenadines — St. Vincent was originally known as "The Land of the Blessed." It's not known as that anymore. Instructive.

Sudan — Your national motto? "Victory is ours." Victory at what, exactly? It's fine to aspire to something, but let's be reasonable.

Suriname — You have lots of unspoiled forests, which is a nice way to say that no one wants to settle in your country.

Swaziland — Your king is one of the last absolute monarchs in the world. Absolutely adorable.

Switzerland — Really? Armed neutrality since 1815? Yeah, there haven't been any conflicts with a clear right and wrong since then. PICK A SIDE, PUSSIES!

Sweden — You spend more money per capita on research and development than any other country in the world. Yet you Ikean nerds can't engineer a chair that doesn't fall apart in three years.

Syria — Up until recently your leading export was oil. Now it is depressing news.

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Taipei — If you cheat at Little League baseball, that probably doesn't bode well for the rest of your society.

Tajikistan — Your capital is Dushanbe, an ancient world likely meaning The Douche Capital of the World.

Tanzania — You're famous for your wildlife. Maybe the humans of your country should step up their game.

Thailand — You lead the world in sex tourism. It's no doubt a great source of national pride.

Timor-Leste — Legend says that a giant crocodile was transformed into the island of Timor. That's just illogical.

Togo — Education in Togo is compulsory for only six years. You may want to bump that up a year or six.

Tonga — When James Cook went there in 1773, he dubbed you the "Friendly Island" because of the warm reception he received. You have the worst defense ever.

Trinidad and Tobago — Unlike every other nation in the Caribbean, your economy focuses on industry — namely oil and chemicals. Sounds like an island paradise.

Tunisia — You have a lot of Internet censorship so you probably can't read this sentence about how Tunisia is a lousy place to live.

Turkey — No doubt you have a lot going for you, but understand that you'll never be taken seriously with that name.

Turkmenistan — You strictly limit your citizens' ability to travel internationally. But it's probably not because they really want to leave and never ever ever return.

Tuvalu — Your country is only 10 square miles. The Tuvalu Marathon, if it existed, would require laps.

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United Arab Emirates — It's impossible for oil to ever dry up, right? Ah, you'll probably be fine.

Uganda — You lead all African nations in alcohol consumption. But it's probably all celebratory, not the sorrows-drowning kind of drinking.

Ukraine — Your national anthem translates to "Ukraine's Glory Has Not Perished." Hmm. Do you have a song we could hear about when your glory started? We'd be interested to fact check that.

United States — You arrogant and proudly ignorant fat-asses. You've been coasting on your success in World War II for almost 70 years. It might be time to stop living off of grandpap's accomplishments and do something of your own.

Uruguay — In 2009 you became the first country in the world to give every school child a free laptop and the Internet. We'll just pencil you in for world's fattest country starting around 2020.

U.S. Virgin Islands — You have one of the highest murder rates in the world. Desperate attempt to get CSI: USVI? Sorry. Probably not happening.

Uzbekistan — You're not just landlocked, you're also surrounded by landlocked countries — making you one of only two doubly landlocked countries in the world. It's okay. You can see the beach on TV.

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Vanuatu — Vanuatu: Deemed a Good Location for the Ninth Season of "Survivor"!

Venezuela — You have the highest waterfall in the world, meaning even the water there wants to jump off a cliff.

Vietnam — You have more freshwater microalgae than any other country in the world. What diversity of organisms you must have in your orifices after just a brief dip in a nearby river!

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Yemen — Amazing but true: jumping over camels is a sport there. Good luck trying to get that into the Olympics.

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Zambia — You have one of the world's largest Jehovah's Witness populations, meaning you also have one of the world's highest rates of annoying visitors at your door.

Zimbabwe — Tourism has plummeted in recent years. Maybe you should consider not being listed last in all tourism books and encyclopedias. Aardvarkwe has a nice ring to it.

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