Why Every Nation in the Olympics Sucks

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Jamaica — At some point you have to wonder why your country produces so many great sprinters. Maybe they are all trying to flee.

Japan — Your economy collapsed more than a decade before the rest of the world economy did. You're like the hipsters of recession. Congrats.

Jordan — You lead your region in medical tourism. "Jordan: There's Not Much to See Here, But We Will Take Out Your Gall Bladder."

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Kazakhstan — It's probably not good when your most famous "citizen" is a satirical character.

Kenya — It's probably not good when your most famous "citizen" is a foreign president who nutjobs think was born there.

Kiribati — There ain't no party like a Kiribati party 'cause a Kiribati party is too small and remote for anyone to care about what happens.

Kuwait — You all just happen to live on top of a ton of oil. It's a great accomplishment you can be very proud of.

Kyrgyzstan — Some countries try to achieve greatness in the arts or sciences. You went with having the world's highest consonant-to-vowel ratio. It's something.

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Laos — Your country name is a homonym for disease carrying bugs. Whoops.

Latvia — Your population has dropped 25-percent since 1990. But statistics can be misleading. Latvia is probably a great place to live.

Lebanon — Throughout your history, you have been conquered and occupied by the Assyrians, the Persians, the Greeks, the Romans, the Arabs, the Crusaders, the Ottoman Turks and the French. Best of luck on your next occupation/conquering!

Lesotho — Lesotho translates to "land in which people speak Sesotho." Good country name. You don't want your citizens forgetting what language they speak. It's a problem.

Liberia — Your national motto is "The Love of Liberty Brought Us Here." Yes, because if someone has a chance to pick a free country in which to live, they're choosing Liberia.

Libya — The Libyan Desert is one of the driest places on the globe. That's a great draw for people who like really dry things.

Liechtenstein — The only time you are relevant is when someone uses your name as an example of a tiny, irrelevant country.

Lithuania — You rank first in the world in average Internet upload and download speed. Obviously you are a nation of Internet porn-watching perverts.

Luxembourg – The only time you are relevant is when someone uses your name as an example of a tiny, irrelevant country.

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Macedonia — Macedonia is less than 10,000-square miles and is home to bears, wild boars, wolves, foxes and lynx. Sounds like a nightmare.

Madagascar — Congratulations. The entire under-18 population of the world thinks you are a cartoon.

Malawi — Your main agricultural export is tobacco. Thanks for the cancer!

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*Malaysia* — You are the proud native land of the proboscis monkey, world's ugliest monkey.

Maldives — In 2007 you opened the world's first virtual embassy, on Second Life. That is the saddest thing ever.

Mali — One of your largest ethnic groups is the Bozo people. Come on.

Malta — Well, you do a really good job at hosting conferences in which leaders of foreign countries plot the final offensive in world wars. Other than that? Eh.

Marshall Islands — The United States provides you with military protection, funding and social services. What do you provide them with in return? Need some more time?

Mauritania — In your culture, fat women are considered attractive while skinny women are considered sickly and unattractive. Now we know the country that honored Mix-A-Lot with his Sir title.

Mauritius — You are small islands off of Madagascar, which is an island off of Africa. You are like the tiniest Russian nesting doll of places no one cares about.

Mexico — You know, if it wasn't for you, worldwide edible poison maker Taco Bell probably wouldn't exist.

Micronesia — Micronesia. Not Macronesia? Or just Nesia? You obviously don't have any big plans.

Moldova — Your most popular dish is stuffed cabbage leaves and sauerkraut. One can then naturally assume that your national pastime is flatulence.

Monaco — You are the Las Vegas for rich European douchebags.

Mongolia — Your geography is dominated by steppes, planet Earth's most boring land classification.

Montenegro — Montenegro means "black mountain." So, yeah, if anyone wants to see a black mountain, this is probably the country for you.

Morocco — You have an elected parliament, but your king maintains the power to dissolve it. Bit of a design flaw there, no?

Mozambique — You are infamous for graft. However, for a small bribe, the preceding sentence can be rewritten to something complimentary.

Myanmar — You are also known as Burma. It's a clever ruse. When people accuse you of human rights violations, you can say: "What? Us? No. That's Burma."

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Namibia — You have a relatively free press, which unfortunately means they are free to report all the bad news.

Nauru — You only have 9,000 residents. It's tempting to criticize you all by name. If only there was a Nauru phone book/pamphlet handy.

Nepal — In fairness, you're not a bad country for sounding like "nipple."

Netherlands — The go-to European vacation spot for the world's prostitute-loving potheads. Classy clientele.

New Zealand — "Flight of the Conchords" was funny for one season. And you have a lot of sheep. Keep up the good work.

Nicaragua — The Pacific Ocean is on the West Coast and the Caribbean is on the East. Sounds pretty great if you weren't in the middle. You're like a disappointment sandwich.

Niger — You are twice the size of Texas. Most places have a long list of things that make them better Texas. But your list somehow ends there.

Nigeria — Your president is named Goodluck Jonathan. While the temptation is understandable, it's probably not smart to hand your country over to what one can only assume is a character in a children's book.

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*Norway* — There's your King Harald V. If that's what the most recent King Harald edition looks like, I can't imagine how unsightly the first four were.

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Oman — Stop complaining.

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Pakistan — Throughout your modern history, your economy has done far better during military rule than civilian rule. Way to be the justification for military dictators the world over to maintain power, jerks.

Palau — Your leading, and only, university is Palau Community College. No doubt the faculty is filled with some of the world's great thinkers.

Palestine — You don't even control your own capital city. Why is that? Oh. Let's move along …

Panama — If it wasn't for you guys existing, all that time and money wouldn't have had to go into building the Panama Canal. Way to be in the way.

Papua New Guinea — You have 841 languages, but 11 of them have no known living speakers. UPDATE: You have 830 languages.

Paraguay — Your all-time greatest accomplishment was that Paraguay fan at the 2010 World Cup who kept her cell phone in her cleavage. She was nice to look at, sure, but maybe set the bar a little higher.

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Peru — My middle school geography teacher taught us that it's easy to remember Peru's capital, Lima, because your country is in the shape of a bean. Kind of sad that that's the only thing that stands out about you, huh?

Philippines — This is a Philippine tarsier. These things must have seen you people do some pretty sick stuff to evolve eyes like that.
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Poland — U.S. president George W. Bush once said, "You forgot Poland." We sure did.

Portugal — Portuguese is a dead language. The sooner you admit it the better.

Puerto Rico — Let's be honest: If you had anything to offer, the United States would have made you a state by now.

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Qatar — You are already regarded as the worst World Cup host ever and you don't even host it until 2022.

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Romania — Your name brings to mind the Roman Empire, only without the centuries of success or nice weather.

Russia — You've got the world market cornered on vast swaths of inhospitable land. Nice.

Rwanda — You are known for your imigongo art, which is made of cow dung. Maybe consider looking into modeling clay. Just a tip.

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