Why Every Nation in the Olympics Sucks

Why Every Nation in the Olympics Sucks – Image 6


Denmark – Shakespeare said it best: there's something rotten about Denmark.

Djibouti – First the good: the name of your country makes people laugh. Now the bad: there is almost nothing else about your country that would make anyone even smile.

Dominica – A recent poll of the citizens of Dominica showed that they never even heard of Dominica.

Dominican Republic – You're more impressive than whatever the hell Dominica is, so you've got that going for you.

DPR Korea – Oh, we get it, North Korea. The "Democratic People's Republic" part is just a joke because there is no democracy. Well played.


Ecuador – You own the Galapagos Islands. Congrats on the weird animals.

Egypt – The Great Sphinx doesn't even have a nose. Perhaps "Great" means something different in Arabic, like "hugely flawed and falling apart."

El Salvador – Your capital city is San Salvador. We get it. You like the word Salvador.

Equatorial Guinea – This is Equatorial Guinea, not regular Guinea. So this is the one that the sun bakes 365 days a year. Sounds nice.

Eritrea – Country or type of urinary tract infection? You decide!

Estonia – Is your country full of stones? Who knows? Who really cares? But perhaps you should have run your name by a branding professional before picking it.

Ethiopia – Ethiopia is one of the oldest sites of human existence. Then humans discovered nicer places and moved away.


Fiji – You are made of volcanic islands, the earth's explosive diarrhea.

Finland – Get a tan, you clear bastards.

France – Even you hate you. That's why you're all so miserable.


Gabon – Michael Jackson was saying "shamone." Too bad. If it was Gabon, you may have had a shot at being relevant.

Gambia – One of your biggest exports is nuts. So millions of people around the world are literally allergic to you.

Georgia – Because the world was clamoring for a country form of Georgia.

Germany – Outside of starting all the world wars, I'm drawing a blank on anything negative here.

Ghana – "Ghana" but not forgotten, am I right? No, I'm not. You are completely forgotten.

Great Britain – In a way it's impressive how long you ran the world, considering you're a nation of frail losers.

Greece – Get a job.

Grenada – It is against the law there for citizens to carry grenades. What kind of crap is that?

Guam – Don't think that because the U.S. lets you vote in presidential primaries that you matter.

Guatemala – You have the lowest median age of any country in the Western Hemisphere. Maybe consider looking into birth control.

Guinea – Nice work on your miniature pigs. You know they're not even pigs, though, right? They're like rats that people don't want to kill immediately. Later. But not immediately.

Guinea-Bissaue – Because the original Guinea is so impressive, there are all these knock-offs.

Guyana – Your infrastructure? Deficient.


Haiti – When people honestly believe your country has been cursed by a pact with Satan, you know you've had a bad run.

Honduras – Your motto is, translated: "Free, Sovereign and Independent." Jeez. We get it. You're free. Not subtle. But free.

Hong Kong – When it comes to living with about 7 millimeters of personal space, it doesn't get any better than this.

Hungary – A Hungarian named Erno Rubik invented the Rubik's Cube. And so ends the list of great Hungarian inventions of modern times.


Iceland – More than 1,000 years of history and you're best known for a lady who wore a dress that looked like a swan to an awards show.

India – We know you're not giving us your real names on tech support. You are a nation of liars.

Indonesia – You are made up of approximately 17,508 islands. Get the hint. The ocean wants to swallow you.

Iran – Oh, really? Then why does your track team suck so bad? You being named Iran is like the United States being named Soccerland.

Iraq – Fertile Crescent? You may want to look up the definition of "fertile."

Ireland – Forget the horrible climate, the famines or the civil unrest. Your greatest sin is all the people the world over who think they can get drunk and belligerent at a bar because they're 1/16th Irish and have a clover leaf t-shirt.

Israel – You have a wall specifically built for wailing. Sounds like a fun place to live.

Italy — You peaked, oh, about 2,000 years ago. But no worries. These things probably go in cycles.