Denmark – Shakespeare said it best: there's something rotten about Denmark.
Djibouti – First the good: the name of your country makes people laugh. Now the bad: there is almost nothing else about your country that would make anyone even smile.
Dominica – A recent poll of the citizens of Dominica showed that they never even heard of Dominica.
Dominican Republic – You're more impressive than whatever the hell Dominica is, so you've got that going for you.
DPR Korea – Oh, we get it, North Korea. The "Democratic People's Republic" part is just a joke because there is no democracy. Well played.
Ecuador – You own the Galapagos Islands. Congrats on the weird animals.
Egypt – The Great Sphinx doesn't even have a nose. Perhaps "Great" means something different in Arabic, like "hugely flawed and falling apart."
El Salvador – Your capital city is San Salvador. We get it. You like the word Salvador.
Equatorial Guinea – This is Equatorial Guinea, not regular Guinea. So this is the one that the sun bakes 365 days a year. Sounds nice.
Eritrea – Country or type of urinary tract infection? You decide!
Estonia – Is your country full of stones? Who knows? Who really cares? But perhaps you should have run your name by a branding professional before picking it.
Ethiopia – Ethiopia is one of the oldest sites of human existence. Then humans discovered nicer places and moved away.
Fiji – You are made of volcanic islands, the earth's explosive diarrhea.
Finland – Get a tan, you clear bastards.
France – Even you hate you. That's why you're all so miserable.
Gabon – Michael Jackson was saying "shamone." Too bad. If it was Gabon, you may have had a shot at being relevant.
Gambia – One of your biggest exports is nuts. So millions of people around the world are literally allergic to you.
Georgia – Because the world was clamoring for a country form of Georgia.
Germany – Outside of starting all the world wars, I'm drawing a blank on anything negative here.
Ghana – "Ghana" but not forgotten, am I right? No, I'm not. You are completely forgotten.
Great Britain – In a way it's impressive how long you ran the world, considering you're a nation of frail losers.
Greece – Get a job.
Grenada – It is against the law there for citizens to carry grenades. What kind of crap is that?
Guam – Don't think that because the U.S. lets you vote in presidential primaries that you matter.
Guatemala – You have the lowest median age of any country in the Western Hemisphere. Maybe consider looking into birth control.
Guinea – Nice work on your miniature pigs. You know they're not even pigs, though, right? They're like rats that people don't want to kill immediately. Later. But not immediately.
Guinea-Bissaue – Because the original Guinea is so impressive, there are all these knock-offs.
Guyana – Your infrastructure? Deficient.
Haiti – When people honestly believe your country has been cursed by a pact with Satan, you know you've had a bad run.
Honduras – Your motto is, translated: "Free, Sovereign and Independent." Jeez. We get it. You're free. Not subtle. But free.
Hong Kong – When it comes to living with about 7 millimeters of personal space, it doesn't get any better than this.
Hungary – A Hungarian named Erno Rubik invented the Rubik's Cube. And so ends the list of great Hungarian inventions of modern times.
Iceland – More than 1,000 years of history and you're best known for a lady who wore a dress that looked like a swan to an awards show.
India – We know you're not giving us your real names on tech support. You are a nation of liars.
Indonesia – You are made up of approximately 17,508 islands. Get the hint. The ocean wants to swallow you.
Iran – Oh, really? Then why does your track team suck so bad? You being named Iran is like the United States being named Soccerland.
Iraq – Fertile Crescent? You may want to look up the definition of "fertile."
Ireland – Forget the horrible climate, the famines or the civil unrest. Your greatest sin is all the people the world over who think they can get drunk and belligerent at a bar because they're 1/16th Irish and have a clover leaf t-shirt.
Israel – You have a wall specifically built for wailing. Sounds like a fun place to live.
Italy — You peaked, oh, about 2,000 years ago. But no worries. These things probably go in cycles.