Afghanistan – You repeatedly defeat invading forces because your country is an inhospitable hellscape. Congratulations. Except for the fact that you live in an inhospitable hellscape.
Albania – There are 91 animal species in your country considered to be globally threatened. Stop killing your animals, jerks!
Algeria – Wait, aren't you Albania? Has anyone ever checked? Probably not.
American Samoa – Your claim to fame: providing the name for a type of Girl Scout cookie. Impressive.
Andorra – Your country sounds like the name of some crappy minivan. The Nissan Andorra. Great for driving your kids to some random country!
Angola – You provide many of the world's diamonds. No doubt that's all on the up and up.
Antigua and Barbuda – Oh, jeez. Two names? Really? You're completely irrelevant by any name. Don't kid yourself.
Argentina – People might consider visiting you if Brazil wasn't on your continent. Tough break there.
Armenia – The biggest ethnic group in your country is Armenian, at 97.9 percent of the population. What a melting pot of Armenians you are. Such diversity!
Aruba – Biggest claim to fame: once name-dropped in a Beach Boys song.
Australia – Penal colony.
Austria – Oh, only the birthplace of Hitler. No biggie.
Azerbaijan – You're governed by a unitary constitutional presidential republic? Oh, please. Those never work.
Bahamas – Random islands off the coast of Florida don't get to pretend they're a country. Florida isn't even a country. Most people wish Florida wasn't even a state.
Bahrain – Bah and Rain. Both words with negative connotations. Combining them doesn't improve them. Would you visit a nation called Humbugdrought? You would not.
Bangladesh – Your country has 150 million people. That's a lot. Okay, everyone: Name a single famous person from Bangladesh. Annnnnnd we've got no one. Wow. You are a nation of high achievers.
Barbados – Barbados is in the Lesser Antilles. LESSER. Even geography knows it sucks.
Belarus – You are landlocked. But that's not the worst part. The worst part? The land you are locked into is Belarus.
Belgium – Your claim to fame is beer and chocolate. You are an entire country that is no better than my pantry.
Belize – You are the only country in Central America that has English as its official language. What a bunch of self-hating sellouts.
*Benin* – You look like a hanging penis.
Bermuda – You're totally better than any other random island off the coast of North Carolina because a style of shorts is named after you. Keep telling yourselves that.
Bhutan – Your national sport is archery. So your national sport is barely a sport. Good work.
Bolivia – You are so pointless that Mike Tyson confused you with oblivion.
Bosnia and Herzegovina – Your greatest feat of engineering was the Yugo, world's all-time crappiest car.
Botswana – You are one of the most sparsely populated countries in the world. This is a polite way to say that no one wants to live in your country.
Brazil – You have a nice parade. Good for you. Probably not enough to make you a world superpower. But still: nice parade.
British Virgin Islands — "British" and "Virgin" seem a bit redundant, don't you think?
Brunei – You have 400,000 citizens. You're basically Baltimore if Baltimore had oil and few rights for women.
Bulgaria – Pretty tough to get overshadowed in your region by Romania, but you've managed to pull it off.
Burkina Faso – You are a "semi-presidential republic." Wow. That doesn't sound like a dictatorship at all.
Burundi – If asked to pick which one sounds like a real country, most people would say Eddie Murphy's fictional Zamunda over you.
Cambodia – We love your takeout food! Wait, no. That's Thailand.
Cameroon – Let's not sugarcoat things. Actually, maybe you should sugarcoat things. Then your country might not be liked less than macaroons.
Canada – They want to pretend they're polite? Sorry. Not buying it. While the rest of the continent is roasting, these a-holes are hogging all the cold air.
Cape Verde – Your country name translates to Green Land. So you are the smaller, lesser known version of Greenland. IMPRESSIVE.
Cayman Islands – Hey, dumbasses: People stopped being ruled by the British decades, if not centuries, ago. Overthrow them already. It's not hard.
Central African Republic – Really put a lot of thought into your country name, eh? Was the name A Random African Country thought to be too descriptive?
Chad – If you can name your country after a guy in a frat, you HAVE TO DO IT.
Chile – Really? We have to pronounce it CHEE-lay? Get over yourself. You're not that important. You're Chili.
China – You used to be an artistic agrarian society. Now you produce pollution. To progress!
Colombia – World's leading exporter of people with drugs hidden in their rectums.
Comoros – Your proudest moment is becoming independent of France in 1975. How did it take you until then to get one gun to scare them away with? Idiots.
Congo – You were previously named Congo Free State, Belgian Congo, Congo-LÃ©opoldville, Congo-Kinshasa, and Zaire. You are the Metta World Peace and Chad Johnson of countries. That's not a compliment.
Cook Islands – Let's let Wikipedia handle this one: "The [Cook Islands] economy is strongly affected by geography. It is isolated from foreign markets, and has inadequate infrastructure; it lacks major natural resources and suffers greatly from natural disasters." Paradise.
Costa Rica – You have lots of plants and animals. Neat. You're like the local zoo, only thousands of miles away.
Cote d'Ivoire – Your name, Ivory Coast, comes from everyone mutilating elephants. What a proud heritage.
Croatia – You're scheduled to join the European Union in 2013. Good timing! Who wouldn't want to jump aboard that dynamo.
Cuba – Fidel Castro was an overrated pitcher. Also, he's a dictator.
Cyprus – Your people are called Cypriots. Tip: Don't call your citizens something that sounds very similar to "idiots."
Czech Republic – Everyone always mentions your attractive women. But let's not forget about your troll-like men.