Afghanistan You repeatedly defeat invading forces because your country is an inhospitable hellscape. Congratulations. Except for the fact that you live in an inhospitable hellscape.
Albania There are 91 animal species in your country considered to be globally threatened. Stop killing your animals, jerks!
Algeria Wait, aren't you Albania? Has anyone ever checked? Probably not.
American Samoa Your claim to fame: providing the name for a type of Girl Scout cookie. Impressive.
Andorra Your country sounds like the name of some crappy minivan. The Nissan Andorra. Great for driving your kids to some random country!
Angola You provide many of the world's diamonds. No doubt that's all on the up and up.
Antigua and Barbuda Oh, jeez. Two names? Really? You're completely irrelevant by any name. Don't kid yourself.
Argentina People might consider visiting you if Brazil wasn't on your continent. Tough break there.
Armenia The biggest ethnic group in your country is Armenian, at 97.9 percent of the population. What a melting pot of Armenians you are. Such diversity!
Aruba Biggest claim to fame: once name-dropped in a Beach Boys song.
Australia Penal colony.
Austria Oh, only the birthplace of Hitler. No biggie.
Azerbaijan You're governed by a unitary constitutional presidential republic? Oh, please. Those never work.
Bahamas Random islands off the coast of Florida don't get to pretend they're a country. Florida isn't even a country. Most people wish Florida wasn't even a state.
Bahrain Bah and Rain. Both words with negative connotations. Combining them doesn't improve them. Would you visit a nation called Humbugdrought? You would not.
Bangladesh Your country has 150 million people. That's a lot. Okay, everyone: Name a single famous person from Bangladesh. Annnnnnd we've got no one. Wow. You are a nation of high achievers.
Barbados Barbados is in the Lesser Antilles. LESSER. Even geography knows it sucks.
Belarus You are landlocked. But that's not the worst part. The worst part? The land you are locked into is Belarus.
Belgium Your claim to fame is beer and chocolate. You are an entire country that is no better than my pantry.
Belize You are the only country in Central America that has English as its official language. What a bunch of self-hating sellouts.
*Benin* You look like a hanging penis.
Bermuda You're totally better than any other random island off the coast of North Carolina because a style of shorts is named after you. Keep telling yourselves that.
Bhutan Your national sport is archery. So your national sport is barely a sport. Good work.
Bolivia You are so pointless that Mike Tyson confused you with oblivion.
Bosnia and Herzegovina Your greatest feat of engineering was the Yugo, world's all-time crappiest car.
Botswana You are one of the most sparsely populated countries in the world. This is a polite way to say that no one wants to live in your country.
Brazil You have a nice parade. Good for you. Probably not enough to make you a world superpower. But still: nice parade.
British Virgin Islands "British" and "Virgin" seem a bit redundant, don't you think?
Brunei You have 400,000 citizens. You're basically Baltimore if Baltimore had oil and few rights for women.
Bulgaria Pretty tough to get overshadowed in your region by Romania, but you've managed to pull it off.
Burkina Faso You are a "semi-presidential republic." Wow. That doesn't sound like a dictatorship at all.
Burundi If asked to pick which one sounds like a real country, most people would say Eddie Murphy's fictional Zamunda over you.
Cambodia We love your takeout food! Wait, no. That's Thailand.
Cameroon Let's not sugarcoat things. Actually, maybe you should sugarcoat things. Then your country might not be liked less than macaroons.
Canada They want to pretend they're polite? Sorry. Not buying it. While the rest of the continent is roasting, these a-holes are hogging all the cold air.
Cape Verde Your country name translates to Green Land. So you are the smaller, lesser known version of Greenland. IMPRESSIVE.
Cayman Islands Hey, dumbasses: People stopped being ruled by the British decades, if not centuries, ago. Overthrow them already. It's not hard.
Central African Republic Really put a lot of thought into your country name, eh? Was the name A Random African Country thought to be too descriptive?
Chad If you can name your country after a guy in a frat, you HAVE TO DO IT.
Chile Really? We have to pronounce it CHEE-lay? Get over yourself. You're not that important. You're Chili.
China You used to be an artistic agrarian society. Now you produce pollution. To progress!
Colombia World's leading exporter of people with drugs hidden in their rectums.
Comoros Your proudest moment is becoming independent of France in 1975. How did it take you until then to get one gun to scare them away with? Idiots.
Congo You were previously named Congo Free State, Belgian Congo, Congo-LÃ©opoldville, Congo-Kinshasa, and Zaire. You are the Metta World Peace and Chad Johnson of countries. That's not a compliment.
Cook Islands Let's let Wikipedia handle this one: "The [Cook Islands] economy is strongly affected by geography. It is isolated from foreign markets, and has inadequate infrastructure; it lacks major natural resources and suffers greatly from natural disasters." Paradise.
Costa Rica You have lots of plants and animals. Neat. You're like the local zoo, only thousands of miles away.
Cote d'Ivoire Your name, Ivory Coast, comes from everyone mutilating elephants. What a proud heritage.
Croatia You're scheduled to join the European Union in 2013. Good timing! Who wouldn't want to jump aboard that dynamo.
Cuba Fidel Castro was an overrated pitcher. Also, he's a dictator.
Cyprus Your people are called Cypriots. Tip: Don't call your citizens something that sounds very similar to "idiots."
Czech Republic Everyone always mentions your attractive women. But let's not forget about your troll-like men.