According to sources close to organizers of the Opening Ceremonies for the London Olympics, the festivities kicking off the 2012 Games will primarily feature elderly rock star Paul McCartney singing on a stage surrounded by "random stuff symbolizing British royalty."
"We knew when we saw Beijing's Opening Ceremonies that we were pretty much screwed," said a source. "So if we can't top those, why try? Right now we have McCartney singing two Beatles songs on stage beside a five-foot paper-mache Big Ben." A crown will sit atop his piano.
Other famous British performers such as Elton John, David Bowie, Sting and Phil Collins could also perform, but "we haven't gotten around to calling them yet. We were happy Mr. McCartney agreed and we don't want to press our luck."
Organizers also hope English soccer star David Beckham will be willing to come up on the stage and wave to people.
"What's that? He wasn't invited to be part of the football team? Oh," said a source. "That I did not know. Well, I guess we'll just see if Paul can play a third song."
Those tasked with creating London's Opening Ceremonies say the goal since Day One has been to get the whole thing over as soon as possible.
"We as a people aren't really the best at showy excitement — and especially not in the context of sports," said a source. "The sooner it's over, the better. We wanted to just have all the athletes file into the stadium as the Queen waved and then have them walk right on out, but the Olympics people insisted we play a few songs."
London 2012 officials have reportedly booked a Coldplay cover band for the Closing Ceremonies, but yesterday "put in a call to the real guys as a shot in the dark."