The world's female tennis players announced today they have passed the painful kidney stones they have been working on for much of the past decade.
"Thank God that's over with," said Maria Sharapova. "I apologize for all of the loud shrieking and grunting over the years, but if you've ever had a kidney stone, you know how much they can hurt."
Serena Williams says now that her health problems are over, she hopes she can focus on tennis.
"I've had a huge stone, about the size of a pool ball, stuck smack dab in the middle of my urethra for about eight years," said Williams. "Hurt like hell. Every time I swung my racket, I'd get shooting pains through my whole body. But the other day I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I sat down on the toilet in the locker room and squeezed the thing out. After about three hours of grunting and shrieking in pain, and a few pints of lost blood, I was free of it. Best day of my life. Even better than winning a Grand Slam."
The female tennis players say they think their kidney stones were due to dehydration or possibly even from deposit buildups from drinking too many sports drinks. No matter the cause, they unanimously say they hope the stones don't return.
"For our own health and for the good of the game, I hope we stay kidney stone-free," said Victoria Azarenka. "I watched a tennis match recently and, while I felt bad for the pain the girls were in, it was completely unwatchable due to the screams. I hope ratings will go up now. I also hope I stop bleeding soon. I think I passed a big moon rock."