*1.* No bowl games for your entire career means you get to spend the holidays with your family!
2. No matter how bad we might get, playing Indiana and Northwestern every year means we'll still win some games!
3. Come here and you get to watch Penn State's occasionally NIT Tournament-qualifying basketball team!
4. NCAA sanctions somehow made USC even better. Maybe that will happen here, too!
5. Beating up on all the walk-ons in practice will be a ton of fun!
6. Playing for Penn State means you get to suit up in classic uniforms. Also, we can't afford uniforms with player names or logos on them now anyway!
7. We have empty statue space here. Come to Penn State and maybe we'll put up a statue of you!
8. Players get hurt in bowl games, like, every year. Consider your health!
9. Remember when Appalachian State beat Michigan? Now we're like Appalachian State. We can do it! Be inspired!
10. If you don't come here, you'll make Franco Harris really sad!
11. Penn State is now everyone's trap game. Whaddaya say?! Let's trap some teams!
12. We are only one of six college football teams in the prestigious Leaders Division. Be a Leader!
13. You'll get to play for a coach who is a really smart guy. Well, outside of the decision he made to take this job. But other than that: fairly smart!
14. I don't care how bad we'll be, you can still probably break every one of Penn State's single-season and career passing records!
15. With 110,000 empty seats, your family and friends will always be able to get tickets to see you play!
16. Do you like ice cream? Our on-campus ice cream shop is better than any of the ice cream shops they have at Alabama or Ohio State!
17. Did you ever see the movie Necessary Roughness? This will be like living in that movie. Kinda cool!
18. Signing to play for this going-nowhere program will really anger your parents — and pissing off their parents is every teenager's dream!
19. Seriously! The ice cream shop! Your 5 year-old self would be PISSED if you didn't pick a college based on quality of and access to good ice cream!
20. Are any other NCAA Division I programs recruiting you? Exactly. See? Easy choice!