Reason to root against: France jokes
No religion or leader or political system could ever unite the world. The only thing that brings people of all continents, races and colors together is making fun of the French. Mocking France is the hope of the world.
For example, did you know that one of the largest cities in France is Nancy? Yes, Nancy. France has literal Nancy boys. It's almost too easy. Actually, it is too easy. And that's what makes it so fun.
Reason to root for: American Revolution
If not for French assistance, the Americans never would have defeated the British. Thanks for helping us win the most important war in our history, YOU PUSSIES!
Reason to root against: Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
They eat reindeer in parts of Sweden. Remember that year you didn't get what you wanted for Christmas? It's because marauding Swedes ate Santa's entire herd.
Reason to root for: Ikea
If it wasn't for everyone having to buy new furniture every two or three years when their Ikea furniture falls apart, the American economy would be in even worse shape.
Reason to root for: You're a big fan of Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Karina Smirnoff
Both dancers, of "Dancing with the Stars" fame, hail from Ukraine. Remember Ukrainian soccer players: You may not touch the ball with your jazz hands.
Reason to root against: You hate "Dancing with the Stars"
Congratulations. You're a cool person.
Reason to root against: Common sense
Why root for a guaranteed loser? There is no smarter bet in sports than English athletic failure. They're like the Lebron James of countries.
Reason to root for: Masochism
Not everyone believes they deserve happiness in life.