Reasons to Root For/Against All 16 Euro Cup Nations

Reasons to Root ForAgainst All 16 Euro Cup Nations – Image 17

Group B

Germany
Reasons to Root ForAgainst All 16 Euro Cup Teams – Image 4

Reason to root against: Starting every World War in history

One World War is forgivable. Two? People are probably going to hold a grudge for a while.

Reason to root for: Debauchery

Germany's coach, Joachim Low, has gone against usual soccer protocol and is allowing his players to drink, smoke and have sex during the Euro Cup. That should really cut the sexual tension on the team and allow them to relax on the pitch.

The Netherlands
Reasons to Root ForAgainst All 16 Euro Cup Teams – Image 4

Reason to root against: Name confusion

The Netherlands? Holland? The Dutch? What are you people? Just pick a name and stop trying to sell alternate jerseys.

Reason to root for: They're doomed

Twenty-five percent of the land in The Netherlands is below sea level. It's like wooden-shoed New Orleans over there. The Netherhollandutchers are screwed when sea levels rise a bit more. Let's give them one last soccer title before they are consumed by the ocean.

Portugal
Reasons to Root ForAgainst All 16 Euro Cup Teams – Image 4

Reason to root against: Man o' War

Portugal has been around since the year 1139, yet the Portuguese are most famous for a stinging jellyfish. They suck at inventing things.

Reason to root for: Portuguese

Despite being attached to Spain's armpit, they're sticking with a completely dead language. Have to respect that.

Denmark
Reasons to Root ForAgainst All 16 Euro Cup Teams – Image 8

Reason to root against: Stench

If there's one thing I learned in high school English, it's that there is something rotten in the state of Denmark. Clean your country, Danes! Maybe if you didn't breed such giant dogs, your land wouldn't be covered in shit.

Reason to root for: Gender-neutral words

Danish is a gender-neutral language. So if you dislike someone, there is one word for it. You don't have to pick between "dickhead" or "bitch." That's a big help when insulting people, especially if you're insulting someone who is androgynous.

Advertisement