Ozzie Guillen Outrages Amish Community by Praising Lightbulbs

Ozzie Guillen Outrages Amish Community by Praising Lightbulbs – Image 1
Less than two months after being suspended for making comments that glorified Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen has once again kicked a hornet's nest.

In a press conference following Tuesday's loss to the Braves, the outspoken skipper went on an extensive, oftentimes nonsensical rant about the merits of the incandescent light bulb. Members of America's Amish community have since voiced their extreme offense over his remarks.

"We are shocked and saddened at the lack of sensitivity Mr. Guillen displayed towards the Amish people in his recent comments," said Jakob Yoder, a national spokesman for the Anabaptist church. "In bringing praise to the evil that is electric luminescence he has brought shame and mockery to those of us who have resisted its scourge."

While many of Guillen's remarks are too vulgar for print, his most incensing commentary contained implications that those who do not embrace light bulbs are inferior to those who do.

"I love light bulbs. You know why? A lot of people wanted nothing to do with them when they were first invented, and now 130 years later those [expletive] are still here," mused Guillen. "Only savages don't love light bulbs. Without light bulbs, how would anyone play baseball at night? They couldn't. Anyone who can't appreciate heating a filament wire until it produces glow is an enemy of innovation and a traitor to the progress of humanity."

Thousands of Amish people in Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Indiana have started protests demanding that Guillen be fired. In Lancaster, PA, over 500 men protested by throwing baseballs at donkeys. Their angry message was clear: Guillen is similar to a jackass in some respects.

Though Guillen has yet to apologize, Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria has indicated that some formal expression of remorse is forthcoming.

"We all know that Ozzie can run as mouth just as well as he can run a ball club, and this, unfortunately, is a painful reminder," said Loria. "I can assure you that no one is more angry at Ozzie than Ozzie is."

At time of publication, several dozen Amish men were preparing their buggies to travel to Florida and formally request Guillen's resignation in person. They are expected to reach Miami by late August.