As the championship celebration unfolded in the Miami Heat locker room Thursday night, players each took their turns hoisting the coveted Larry O'Brien trophy. After passing through the hands of LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, though, forward Chris Bosh put an early end to the trophy's night with an excessively wet smooch to its crown.
Teammates looked on with horror and disgust as Bosh parted his reptilian mouth and made prolonged intimate contact with the trophy, leaving a greenish strand of saliva dangling from its 24 karat gold overlay.
"I'M JUST SO HAPPY!" Bosh shouted before offering the trophy to Udonis Haslem, who backed off cautiously, refusing to embrace the prize of their hard-fought season.
"No way, man, that's nasty," said Haslem. "I think I'll just get showered up and head home."
Bosh, drenched in champagne and perched gargoyle-like on a bench, then took the trophy and rubbed it gingerly against his grotesquely extended neck, his hands trembling with methamphetaminic aplomb.
"My precious, my precious," he hissed, flicking his eyelashes against the trophy in what might be described as a butterfly kiss of nightmares.
The room quickly became saturated with a palpable sense of unease, and players began gathering their things to sneak away. Suddenly aware of what was taking place, Bosh held out the trophy so that someone else might have a moment with it.
No one took the bait. Instead, everyone quietly filed into the night, leaving Bosh alone to do unspeakable things to Mr. O'Brien.