*Mike Malone, Golden State assistant*
Malone: Thanks for having me in for an interview, Mr. Jordan. It's an honor.
Jordan: You're welcome. But, look, I'll be honest here: I've never heard of you and I don't even know your name. I just had my secretary pick an NBA assistant's name out of a hat for an interview and she pulled your name.
Malone: Okay. Well, I hope to make the best of this opportunity. And my name is Mike, by the way, same as you!
Jordan: Bullshit. No one is like me. I'm the best there ever was. I will call you Phil, Doug, Larry, Paul or Dean – those are the first names of the only coaches I've ever heard of.
Jordan: That's right, okay, Larry. Say your name is Larry.
Malone: My name is Larry.
Jordan: I thought so. Now listen up, Phil, do you know how to break down tape?
Malone: Definitely. It's my speciality.
Jordan: Good. Then I want you to take a look at this.
[Jordan flips on a flatscreen TV above his desk and hits Play on his Blu-Ray remote.]
Jordan: Now tell me, Doug, what do you see here that can be improved?
Malone: Well, sir … these are clips of your golf swing.
Jordan: You're right, Dean. Nothing gets by you, does it? So what do you see? Am I rotating too much on my backswing? What do you think?
Malone: I … I'm not sure. I don't really know anything about golf. I'd be more than happy to break down a Bobcats tape for you, though.
Jordan: Bobcats? Get out, Paul. Interview is over. You're worthless to me. Send Nate McMillan in.
Malone: Yes, sir. [[[/chat]]]
Nate McMillan, former SuperSonics and Trail Blazers head coach
[[[chat]]]McMillan: Hey, Michael. Good to see you again. Thanks for the interview.
McMillan: I know you guys had a rough year, but I really think you have a couple of young pieces in place and, with a few good drafts, can turn this around in no time. I'd love to be a part of it.
Jordan: Really? Fine then. The job is yours.
McMillan: Oh, wow. Great. Just like that?
Jordan: Yeah, I don't care. I try to put the least amount of work as possible into this team. The quicker I'm out of here today, the better. I do have one question for you, though, which is the main reason I called you in.
McMillan: Okay. Go. Shoot.
Jordan: You were still playing in Seattle in 1997, right?
Jordan: The strip club Little Darlings … do you remember the name of the girl with the green eyes who had the tattoo on the side or her left ass cheek?
McMillan: No. Sorry, I didn't really go there. Why?
Jordan: I think I left one of my title rings in her and I was hoping to get it back.
McMillan: Oh. Yeah, sorry, Mike. Can't help you.
McMillan: So do I still have the job?
Jordan: Sure. Show up at the start of the season. I've got a golf trip from September through early January, so I'll see you after that. Maybe.
McMillan: Sounds good. Should I tell Patrick the job is filled?
Jordan: No. No way. Send him in.[[[/chat]]]
Patrick Ewing, Orlando assistant
Ewing: Hey, Michael. Great to see you.
Jordan: Good to see you, too. I've really been looking forward to this.
Ewing: Me, too. I'm really excited.
Jordan: Well, let's get started with some questions.
Ewing: Okay. I'm ready.
Jordan: Remember how you were one of the best players of our generation but not nearly as good as me?
Ewing: Yeah. I do.
Jordan: Remember how your Knicks were always one of the best teams in the Eastern Conference, but you could never get past me and the Bulls?
Jordan: Remember how you don't have any championship rings and I have six of them, well — five, actually, if you don't count the one I lost in that stripper.
Ewing: What stripper?
Jordan: The one at Little Darlings in Seattle with the green eyes?
Ewing: Sorry. Can't place her.
Jordan: No worries. Let's get back on track … Remember how your career was a total and complete failure in comparison to my career and that I was better than you in every way?
Ewing: Yeah, I mean … I guess.
Jordan: It's hilarious.
Ewing: Okay, I … I don't know what this has to do with coaching the Bobcats.
Jordan: It has nothing to do with coaching the Bobcats. The job is filled. I just had you fly up here because I wanted to tell you to your face how much better I am than you. You know, for a laugh.
Ewing: You're an asshole.
Jordan: Greatest of all-time.