"The LeBrunger Games"

"The LeBrunger Games" – Image 1

EXT. AKRON, OHIONIGHT

A man with a creepy wig and make-up stands on a stage, as hundreds of children gather around him. He has a microphone and a giant ball with slips of paper with names of the children written on them.

EFFIE GRAY
Good evening, District 330. It's time for the Decisioning. Which one of you will be chosen to represent your district in this year's Dunker Games?

GRAY reaches into the ball, but before he can pull out a name, a "child" with a strange beard and strategically-positioned headband shouts out.

LeBRON EVERJAMES
I volunteer!

A hush comes over the crowd. GRAY seems confused.

EFFIE GRAY
LeBron, what is your decision?

LeBRON EVERJAMES
This is tough… in this fall, I'm going to take my talents to the Capitol and join the Dunker Games.

The crowd bursts into an angry furor, burning images of LeBRON and crying in disbelief. LeBRON sneaks away in a private train to the Capitol but promises to donate his winnings to charity. No one cares.

CUT TO:

INT. TRAIN CAR

A lavish spread is set up for LeBRON, who is still unsure about his Decision. He is sitting on a couch, biting his nails, when his mentor, HAYERIK SPOLESTRANTHY, enters.

HAYERIK SPOLESTRANTHY
Hi LeBron, I'm here to teach you everything you need to know to win the Games.

LeBRON looks over him with skepticism.

LeBRON EVERJAMES
Yeah, I'm probably not gonna listen to a word you say. Like ever.

HAYERIK SPOLESTRANATHY
Well, I'm still going to try to micromanage everything you do. Fortunately, I've also brought you help. A teammate. Meet Dwyane Wadark.

DWYANE WADARK
Nice to be on the same team as you, LeBron. I'm sure our overlapping skill sets will be an asset and not a huge hindrance to one of us winning the ring you so covet to validate your Decision to volunteer.

LeBRON EVERJAMES
That seems … ominous.

———-

INT. CAPITOL ARENA

LeBRON and DWYANE are getting ready to be introduced to the Capitol crowd, when a man with unnatural skin and greased-back hair walks in.

CINNA RILEY
Welcome to the Capitol. I'm Cinna Riley, your… let's go with "designer."

LeBRON EVERJAMES
What's that?

CINNA RILEY
Well, I'm like a mentor, but not officially a mentor. "Officially", HAYERIK is your mentor.

CINNA winks. LeBRON and DWYANE knowingly nod back at him.

CINNA RILEY
OK, so here's how we're gonna do this. I'm going to put you in these shiny uniforms with flames on them, and you're going to be in a parade celebrating everything you've accomplished.

LeBRON EVERJAMES
But, um, we haven't won anything yet.

DWYANE WADARK
Don't worry. I'm sure holding this parade now won't embarrassingly blow up in our faces later.

———-

EXT. THE COURT-ACOPIA

Weapons, food and other supplies are piled up for the competitors to grab. The entrants from the other Districts — including the Big Apple District, Lob District, District OKC, The Windy District and others — are lined up around the hardwood court, waiting for the competition to begin.

CAESAR HARLANMAN
And "Party Rock Anthem" has ended, signaling the start of this year's games!

The competitors all make a mad dash for the supplies. The star tribute from the Windy District hurts himself leaving the podium, and is immediately eliminated. The Big Apple District's tribute accidentally rips his arm off trying to break open a glass case containing a weapon, knocking him out.

CAESAR HARLANMAN
Oh, the competitors are going at each other WITH NO REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE! But what's this…

While most of the players are grabbing whatever they need, LeBRON EVERJAMES is still standing on his podium.

LeBRON EVERJAMES
Yeah, this is what HAYERIK told me to do here. We're going to let DWYANE handle this part, then I'll do some stuff later. I mean, sure, it seems like we'd have a better chance of success if we were both involved, but who am I to question my mentor.

Eventually, after DWYANE has gathered up supplies for them, they head off into the forest.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST

Even though DWYANE and LeBRON keep getting in each other's way, they're doing pretty well. They teamed up with a third tribute, RUE BOSH, who doesn't seem to bring anything to the table, but is helping them nonetheless.

LeBRON EVERJAMES
Boy, with all these other Districts losing players, we should cruise through this thing.

RUE BOSH
I totally agr…

Before BOSH can finish, he's shot through the abdomen by the tribute from the Hoosier District.

LeBRON EVERJAMES
Oh no! That guy that everyone thinks is holding us back is gone. Surely we will suffer now! Oh, wait, I've still got DWYANE.

DWYANE WADARK
Actually, I'm wounded too. So, um, you're going to have to keep trying to win, while also carrying my hurt ass around.

A parachute slowly falls from the sky, carrying a small package. DWYANE grabs it and opens the container. It has a message from HAYERIK. DWYANE reads the message.

HAYERIK SPOLESTRANATHY [VO]
With BOSH out, I think you guys would be best served if LeBRON took up some of his duties while WADE focused on getting close up for attacks, rather than settling for shots from the outside.

DWYANE crumples up the message.

DWYANE WADARK
How 'bout … no. Moron.

Wade picks up a bow and arrow and fires it wildly in all directions, hitting nothing.

DWYANE WADARK (Angrily)
SEE HAYERIK! I'M ALWAYS RIGHT AND YOU'RE ALWAYS WRONG!

LeBRON EVERJAMES
Ummm… why don't you wait here. I'll see if I can… win this myself.

CUT TO:

MONTAGE.

_Amazingly, LeBRON can. All of his natural talents emerge, as he takes care of the tributes from most of the other districts. Eventually, DWYANE even gets better, and uses HAYERIK's strategy to help LeBRON, while saying that they never disagreed about anything. _

LeBRON EVERJAMES
This is working out perfectly.

DWYANE WADARK
Yep, there's only 12 minutes left in the Games, and it's down to us and the tributes from The Alamo District.

LeBRON EVERJAMES
Wait, did you say 12 minutes left?

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. HARDWOOD COURT-ACOPIA.

The tributes from the Alamo District efficiently and emotionlessly cut through DWYANE, while LeBRON rocks back and forth in the corner, biting his nails.

HAYERIK SPOLESTRANATHY [VO]
LeBRON, now would be a good time to… attack, maybe? Or, ya know, do anything.

LeBRON EVERJAMES
I feel like this is the right Games decision. I'm comfortable enough to defer to my teammates.

HAYERIK SPOLESTRANATHY [VO]
Your teammates are dead. You need to do something.

LeBRON EVERJAMES
I know! I'll …

Before he can act, LeBRON collapses and is swept off the hardwood by the Alamo District tributes. Having eliminated all their competition, they shake hands and nod to each other without cracking a smile.

CAESAR HARLANMAN
(waking up from a boredom-induced slumber)… and… oh, the Alamo District has emerged victorious.

The few remaining viewers in the Capitol applaud politely. In the various non-Alamo Districts, the monitors are unwatched, as everyone has already moved on with their lives, bored with Alamo's style of play. In the Capitol headquarters, PRESIDENT STERN observes the event on multiple monitors.

PRESIDENT STERN
CAESAR! I thought I'd rigged this so LeBRON would win. I took out all his best competitors. What happened?

CAESAR HARLANMAN
It appears he choked … on a nightlock berry.

PRESIDENT STERN
Typical.

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