Cole Hamels Apologizes for Not Hitting Bryce Harper in His Stupid Face

Cole Hamels Apologizes for Not Hitting Bryce Harper in His Stupid Face – Image 1
Philadelphia Phillies starter Cole Hamels has admitted that he hit Nationals rookie Bryce Harper on purpose in the first inning Sunday night, and today apologized for the act.

"I don't know what to say. I messed up," said Hamels. "I hit him in the small of his back, so I missed my target by about three feet, as I wanted to hit hit square in his stupid goddam face. My lack of control on that pitch is not acceptable. I expect better from myself, and I will forever regret not plunking him square in his douche head."

Hamels says he thinks he knows what happened on the pitch.

"I got so excited about the opportunity to smash his face, maybe to the point of knocking his helmet off and tearing a bald patch in his faux-hawk, blood pouring down his sideburns and into his mouth, that I overthrew," said Hamels. "I won't make that mistake again."

Hamels also stressed that trying to hit Harper in the face wasn't anything personal.

"I don't know him at all," said the pitcher, "although anyone who has met him says he's unbearable. I wanted to hit him in in the face based on appearances alone, nothing else."

Nationals manager Davey Johnson says he understands that certain things happen in baseball.

"Look, I see Bryce Harper every day now," said Johnson. "I totally understand wanting to hit him in the face. But coming from Cole Hamels of all people, well … I know many hitters in the National League who try to hit him in the face with a line drive when they're batting. I would respect where Cole is coming from on this if he looked less, you know … Cole Hamelsy."

Harper also responded to Hamels' admission.

"Brah, ya know, brah it's like … nah, feel me, brah? I'm just like braaaaah maaaah naaaah aaahhhh," he added, before departing with some sort of complex handshake/hug routine.